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alone, lost and hurting

Yazman

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Joined
Jul 25, 2011
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572
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Australia
oh how i feel. guys, i know i dont post so much but how i need you right now. i come here every day and i need you all, you give me strength even when i lurk. im sorry for not being so active in making actual posts as i should. i also apologise for how this is going to be written. its my thoughts now and a call for support i guess. i hope to do the same for you all as best i can now.

posting from my ds browser. i saw This Is It tonight. I went with some friends. we arrived early, lining up and passing the time by talking, cheering and keeping spirits high as some led us all in our line to celebrate michael. waiting to see him again. to be brought closer and hear him again. it was a special atmosphere, carnival-like. god i miss you, mike. the film did not disappoint. it was oh so special and how we enjoyed it. he was there for us again, giving us the joy and love, messages and hope we know so well from him. we laughed as he joked, how we laughed. he did again what he wanted, when he said he wanted to take us to a place we'd never been before. he always knew how and took us there in a new way every time. seeing him in these last moments, enjoying precious moments with those around him and being the person he is i couldnt help but smile a true smile, a rare one now.
a bittersweet smile for it is one enclosed within sleepless nights, sorrow, fears and longing. for the one always there for me, always loving me no matter what as we followers did for him - he is gone now. like you have all said in the other thread, it is impossible to just ''get over'' him.

throughout this film tonight i shed tears, unending tears. all of us there did. for some it may be the first time, and for still others like us an experience well known. well known by these faces of ours so well travelled by tears. tears of joy and tears of grief. an unforgettable film that i can hold dear.

afterwards my friends took me home, where i ignored all else and came straight to bed, hoping to be able to sleep but knowing it to be unachievable now. i am encompassed by so much as i lay here and imagine. daydreaming in the dead of night, at 3:31am. encompassed by fears, wishes, tears, love lost and grief. these feelings we all feel. as i lay here i have no mouth and i must scream, wishing for a mysterious stranger to come and offer me a red pill that could make me wake up and find this all to be a terrible nightmare. wake and find that he is still there, for himself, his kids and us. so we could express our love for him more and he for us. wake to more new sightings, more curls, more new songs to give us joy and happiness, songs of love, songs of pain, songs of hope, songs of protest, songs singing of another world being possible. the hope for that world, free of oppression and petty greed. but no longer, he is gone now and his legacy left to us. that new world he never got to see, the world he deserved and fought for, for all of us. i fear that i, too, will never see it

but i cannot wake, nor can sleep be had. i feel so alone and so far from you, others like me with this connection to mike. i wish i could gather with you, god how i wish it. how i need it. i feel like part of me is dead and gone away. i love him as do we all, but what am i to do? i thought things were getting better but its never trulygoing to heal. this wound i take to my grave. i just need you, MJJC, to help me avoid digging this grave early, by myself.

our world feels unbearable without him now.
 
We are here for you:better:
We are all a family, and we will always be there for each other :huggy:

It's hard I know but remember Michael's spirit is still with us, he's in our hearts. He will never be gone, he will never cease. He wants us to keep his legacy alive by helping each other get through hard times and by healing the world.
Don't ever think your alone because your not. We all love you, we are all hurting, but we are all strong, because Michael made us that way.
Know that Michael is happy now, he's free from pain. He can feel our love even better now and he loves us so much more.
 
Yazman said:
oh how i feel. guys, i know i dont post so much but how i need you right now. i come here every day and i need you all, you give me strength even when i lurk. im sorry for not being so active in making actual posts as i should. i also apologise for how this is going to be written. its my thoughts now and a call for support i guess. i hope to do the same for you all as best i can now.

posting from my ds browser. i saw This Is It tonight. I went with some friends. we arrived early, lining up and passing the time by talking, cheering and keeping spirits high as some led us all in our line to celebrate michael. waiting to see him again. to be brought closer and hear him again. it was a special atmosphere, carnival-like. god i miss you, mike. the film did not disappoint. it was oh so special and how we enjoyed it. he was there for us again, giving us the joy and love, messages and hope we know so well from him. we laughed as he joked, how we laughed. he did again what he wanted, when he said he wanted to take us to a place we'd never been before. he always knew how and took us there in a new way every time. seeing him in these last moments, enjoying precious moments with those around him and being the person he is i couldnt help but smile a true smile, a rare one now.
a bittersweet smile for it is one enclosed within sleepless nights, sorrow, fears and longing. for the one always there for me, always loving me no matter what as we followers did for him - he is gone now. like you have all said in the other thread, it is impossible to just ''get over'' him.

throughout this film tonight i shed tears, unending tears. all of us there did. for some it may be the first time, and for still others like us an experience well known. well known by these faces of ours so well travelled by tears. tears of joy and tears of grief. an unforgettable film that i can hold dear.

afterwards my friends took me home, where i ignored all else and came straight to bed, hoping to be able to sleep but knowing it to be unachievable now. i am encompassed by so much as i lay here and imagine. daydreaming in the dead of night, at 3:31am. encompassed by fears, wishes, tears, love lost and grief. these feelings we all feel. as i lay here i have no mouth and i must scream, wishing for a mysterious stranger to come and offer me a red pill that could make me wake up and find this all to be a terrible nightmare. wake and find that he is still there, for himself, his kids and us. so we could express our love for him more and he for us. wake to more new sightings, more curls, more new songs to give us joy and happiness, songs of love, songs of pain, songs of hope, songs of protest, songs singing of another world being possible. the hope for that world, free of oppression and petty greed. but no longer, he is gone now and his legacy left to us. that new world he never got to see, the world he deserved and fought for, for all of us. i fear that i, too, will never see it

but i cannot wake, nor can sleep be had. i feel so alone and so far from you, others like me with this connection to mike. i wish i could gather with you, god how i wish it. how i need it. i feel like part of me is dead and gone away. i love him as do we all, but what am i to do? i thought things were getting better but its never trulygoing to heal. this wound i take to my grave. i just need you, MJJC, to help me avoid digging this grave early, by myself.

our world feels unbearable without him now.
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Even if it's sometimes hard to believe that someone can feel as bad as ourselves and that they maybe don't TRULY understand how we feel.. I feel probably as close as it can get to what you're feeling.

I need MJJC and you all too, but I need Michael even more.
This is really hard, wasn't able to sleep either yesterday after the movie, just couldn't.
If you need anything, PM me, just to talk, or get things out of your chest.
I'M not good at cheering up right now, but I can listen and understand.
:hug:
 
Yazman said:
but i cannot wake, nor can sleep be had. i feel so alone and so far from you, others like me with this connection to mike. i wish i could gather with you, god how i wish it. how i need it. i feel like part of me is dead and gone away. i love him as do we all, but what am i to do? i thought things were getting better but its never trulygoing to heal. this wound i take to my grave. i just need you, MJJC, to help me avoid digging this grave early, by myself. our world feels unbearable without him now.
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I know the pain is endless. The loneliness is terrible. One has the feeling that one is left with nothing. I just wait, as my life unfolds. We have to stay strong. It's unbelievable what has happened.
 
I know exactly how you feel, in every detail that you wrote, so beautifully. I'm not even sure how to offer consolation, except to say, YES, we are still here, and we are with you.

Yes, it's truly unbelievable, what happened. . . . . .

Victoria
 
We love you, Yazman, and we will always be here for you.
Michael needs us here. Never stop loving him, that we'll help you continue living.
Stay strong and God bless you.
 
Thanks guys, it really helps to hear these words you contribute, it gives me the sort of strength that I need. I didn't end up doing anything today, sort of hard after last night. At least I dreamed about him though.
 
I am not healing :cry: I think I am getting much worse. I have been really sick lately and I cant find strength to do things anymore. I have to take next semester off of school because I am doing so terrible. I am still holding on for any fans that want to talk though Its just unbearable to keep going on without him.. It hurts like ****... Every day I keep hoping I will wake up from this nightmare or at least be in the universe where Michael is now. He seems so far away but still very much in our hearts :cry: Its hard to understand and I would give anything to just see him smile one more time.
L.o.v.e to you!!
 
I understand where you're at MJstarlight, I wish we could do more. How I wish he was still around. I love the picture of him in your sig, where he's just got this big grin on his face.

Its so hard to look at, so hard. I too have had to take time off.. the numbness. Alone and cold inside, like a stranger in moscow..
 
To be honest, I constantly have had intermittent suicidal thoughts ever since it happened.
 
Yazman said:
To be honest, I constantly have had intermittent suicidal thoughts ever since it happened.
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Yazman,

My goodness gracious...Mr.Jackson would not want you to do ANYTHING to hurt yourself...

Life IS way to Short...Way to precious as it is...

WE are all here for you...


Please call if you need someone to talk to...


:angel:Heal The World...WE Are The World...Education IS The Key~~~
 
I'll think about it.. for now just the conversation with you guys, and everybody who feels the same way here, is ok.
 
it is late again so i turned off the pc and came to bed. here i lie once more, laying alone in the lingering light of my portable browser. thoughts running endlessly through the dreary downpour of grief that continues to beat down on my mindscape. since last night i finally managed a small degree of sleep - enough to dream of myself hugging michael at the gates of neverland. today i did naught but grieve. lacking motivation to leave my home, instead choosing the only consolation i have.

the only source ofsolace and warm love i so desire and need - the fellow fans who feel this pain the same. without you.... without you i could not be here. you, fellow souls linked innately with the man we love - without you i might have already succumbed to the call of oblivion, this call that has led some of us to suicide already. this call that beckons me so often but is held at bay by your words, the prospect of meeting some of you some day.

and still i hurt, painfully, sorrowfully. life seems empty now, especially when my goal, my lifelong inspiration, the one whose very existence drove me. michael, you saved me before, you kept us all close and never let us forget how much you love us. you loved us. now i feel stripped, my life empty and my soul lost. how can i go on?

we here who love michael need to keep our love for one another so we can try and get the strength we need so badly. can we do this?
 
Yazman said:
it is late again so i turned off the pc and came to bed. here i lie once more, laying alone in the lingering light of my portable browser. thoughts running endlessly through the dreary downpour of grief that continues to beat down on my mindscape. since last night i finally managed a small degree of sleep - enough to dream of myself hugging michael at the gates of neverland. today i did naught but grieve. lacking motivation to leave my home, instead choosing the only consolation i have.

the only source ofsolace and warm love i so desire and need - the fellow fans who feel this pain the same. without you.... without you i could not be here. you, fellow souls linked innately with the man we love - without you i might have already succumbed to the call of oblivion, this call that has led some of us to suicide already. this call that beckons me so often but is held at bay by your words, the prospect of meeting some of you some day.

and still i hurt, painfully, sorrowfully. life seems empty now, especially when my goal, my lifelong inspiration, the one whose very existence drove me. michael, you saved me before, you kept us all close and never let us forget how much you love us. you loved us. now i feel stripped, my life empty and my soul lost. how can i go on?

we here who love michael need to keep our love for one another so we can try and get the strength we need so badly. can we do this?
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awww- such sweet words. i am here for you.

I know the sadness is overwhelming... the grief is immense but for me I try to focus now on what Michael would want us to do.
He certainly would not want us to harm ourselves or go through life merely existing. He'd want us to LIVE.... get up early and enjoy that sunrise or watch the sunset. He'd want us to listen to his music and be happy. He'd want us to promote the causes that he loved and gave to. :cheers:
He would want us to live life, give to life, and learn from life.

To me I get solace when I see I deer or a fawn in the park and think... Oh, Michael would have loved this moment. So that thought of him in my mind and heart is keeping his memory and legacy alive.

we are here for you:better:
 
Yazman said:
it is late again so i turned off the pc and came to bed. here i lie once more, laying alone in the lingering light of my portable browser. thoughts running endlessly through the dreary downpour of grief that continues to beat down on my mindscape. since last night i finally managed a small degree of sleep - enough to dream of myself hugging michael at the gates of neverland. today i did naught but grieve. lacking motivation to leave my home, instead choosing the only consolation i have.

the only source ofsolace and warm love i so desire and need - the fellow fans who feel this pain the same. without you.... without you i could not be here. you, fellow souls linked innately with the man we love - without you i might have already succumbed to the call of oblivion, this call that has led some of us to suicide already. this call that beckons me so often but is held at bay by your words, the prospect of meeting some of you some day.

and still i hurt, painfully, sorrowfully. life seems empty now, especially when my goal, my lifelong inspiration, the one whose very existence drove me. michael, you saved me before, you kept us all close and never let us forget how much you love us. you loved us. now i feel stripped, my life empty and my soul lost. how can i go on?

we here who love michael need to keep our love for one another so we can try and get the strength we need so badly. can we do this?
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Yazman, you express yourself so beautifully, and give the words to what so many are feeling. So, thank you for that. I'm hoping that at least that. . your writing . . . will give you the strength to go on. You are HELPING people here understand just what they are feeling. I hope you keep dreaming of. . hugs from Michael. That must be a great comfort to you.

Peace,

Victoria
 
Today I woke up and realized... what are we going to do now? This is it ended. I've seen the film already... Now... what? What's next? I had to dress up and went to school, crying. I did my German exam, crying. Today I can't bare with this. It's too much for me. My heart's aching so much... I miss him so much... I miss you, Michael. :cry: I need you.
 
Yazman, today I'm very sad but I'm sending all my love to you and I'm praying for you and for all the fans around the world. I love each of you so much, so much.
 
and I for you, Tin Angel, as we need it very much.

I know where you are coming from. Soon I will have an exam to do at my university and its not looking good the state I'm in right now.

I miss him and need him :(
 
Tin Angel said:
Today I woke up and realized... what are we going to do now? This is it ended. I've seen the film already... Now... what? What's next? I had to dress up and went to school, crying. I did my German exam, crying. Today I can't bare with this. It's too much for me. My heart's aching so much... I miss him so much... I miss you, Michael. :cry: I need you.
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Thats what I felt when the movie was over. This sense of emptiness came over me. Its such a terrible feeling.. To never hear this voice again or see him smile.. It makes me so sick :puke:
 
MJstarlight said:
Thats what I felt when the movie was over. This sense of emptiness came over me. Its such a terrible feeling.. To never hear this voice again or see him smile.. It makes me so sick :puke:
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exactly... i just had typed about this same thing in the how are we coping thread.
 
here i lie once again, back on my bed, late at night. i give my thoughts, tears and what little strength i hold to all of you who feel this agony with me, in the hope that you may do the same in return.

i have spent yet another day in mourning. spending time here helps, and it is each one of you that contributes, that gives me a little energy. enough to survive what feels like hell itself. do you remember the times when we did this for michael? the times we sent him our love, our support, and all our messages in so many forms, and enabled him to go THROUGH hell and back? do you remember the time when he did this for us? for you individually?

i have a proposal.

some simple questions and concepts i want you to ponder. you may ignore them, you may respond, or you may simply ponder and keep your thoughts.

-michael wanted to spread the love. he believed in a common humanity, he wanted for global harmony. he wanted for us to love one another and start today. make this change in our spirits, hearts and minds. for the love, he said. L-O-V-E. what about we followers, we true fans and spiritual family of his who are left now without him? What do you think? Are we truly a community? or are we simply 'randoms' talking to people we dont care about? do you feel i am your brother, and she your sister in some unique way? do you feel others who you talk to here are part of a community that could transcend these digital trappings? a community brought together by an unspeakably great man, whose message of true love and brother/sisterhood between all people who would listen? can we say we hold a bond, or that michael has given us one? if one dedicated lover of michael needed your help in the physical world would you give it?

would michael have wanted that?

think about it. it is a gift i give you as i cry uncontrollably at the thought of never being able to tell michael i love him in person
 
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wow you have a beautiful way of expressing yourself in words!!!

I can relate to what you're saying!
Thank you for sharing so much!!!

Sometimes I daydream about one day meeting Michael again... and with him everybody I know from only talking on here on this board. It's a comforting imagination... then again maybe who knows... maybe it will really be like that after living this life?!
 
I hurt too, just like you all, and I also daydream a lot about meeting Michael and spending time with him, and laugh together and just lay somewhere talking about everything, holding hands and trusting each other, being friends, being in his arms, the only place I'd want to be now.

And those daydreams are so much more interesting that everything real going on in my life. I escape, I bless those false memories that never happened more than the morning that always comes as empty of promises as the one before...

I'm sending LOVE to you all, we need it, my arms being wide enough I'd hold you all right now in a gigantic hug and tell you it's gonna be ok.
 
here i am again, back to my portable browser. i see some beautiful replies, each of them detailed with things that give some comfort to hear, for you feel as i do.

how could this happen? on the eve of michael's wondrous tour, in the early years of his children's path to adulthood? i miss michael truly. i sometimes wonder if paris, prince or blanket have inherited any of michael's talents. i wonder a lot. this sense of wonder, a trait we should never let go. the magical sense of fun that michael loved and taught everybody. hold it tight.

daydreaming? it is ever so common for me. i cry, grieve and die a little each day, he has left us all now and there is an infinite sorrow that grips the world, especially we spiritual family of michael's. limitless it truly is as the horror at such a shockingly fast and unexpected death took place, leaving in its wake an ever growing, ever grieving community, one wounded seemingly beyond repair. wounds many of us may some day learn to live with but wounds that will never truly heal.

one of my consistent daydreams is one that starts out with a rage fierce enough to scare the gods away, that suddenly turns to a warm, glowing love full of longing, and ends with a depressed grief, a mournful aching that penetrates my very soul.

it begins thinking of those average people and families michael brought to neverland, who he allowed to live with him, to eat with him and spend months and years of their lives with him. many of whom would betray him. some who worked for him, others who were friends and still others who just lived with him. some would tell lies after they moved away, or got fired. a couple of whom would accuse him of unspeakably horrible crimes. i hate them for what they did. i wish i could bring terrible curses and wrath upon them for it. this is the part that began with such rage. i know you may have felt this.

then i move on slightly and think of how different things would have been if it was me who had lived at neverland instead. i would never have sold him out, never have lied about him. never have called him a criminal. the days we could have spent in the arcade, or in the grass pelting waterbombs at each other. if only he hadnt been murdered. i could have gone to america.. to his house, i could have maybe held his hand or hugged him and told him about how much i love him. and then comes the final act of this daydream. before he was taken from us... this daydream ended in hope, hope for the future where i might be able to realise the dream. nowadays.. this daydream simply ends in a retrospective agony. longing and pain for what might have been.. what could have been... what was going to be, but now will never be. pain.

if only michael called the number i wrote him instead of the one he called purely by chance that lead to betrayal and heartbreak. if only it was i who he stumbled upon with that airport delay on his trip overseas, or i he met in the broken down car. then it could have been different. but life is hard and horrible, especially now. especially now that the man we love so dearly and so much is gone, and with him my hopes and dreams, leaving nothing but this pathetic grieving man whose own heart is broken. the only ood going through it is pumped by the rest of you, you who may love me and receive love in return.. together our broken hearts may join as one some day and begin pumping again. Michael knows we need it.

daydreams..
 
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Ever since the night when This Is It premiered I have been a real emotional wreck. Thankfully I didn't see the movie or hear the song yet. Cause emotionally I can't handle it. I don't know if I will ever be ready to see it. Though I would really love to hear the song This Is It. But I just can't. On the night of the This Is It premiered I did have a MJ dream. Which cause the emotional wreck that I still am in now. The dream was about me being with Michael watching him rehearsed for This Is it. OMG did he looked so good in that dream. I really didn't want to dream to end but it did. And when I woke up I was really crying and missing Michael terribly. Now I am almost back to feeling how I was when I first heard the horrible news. And the one thing I do find quite comforting is having these daydreams and fantasies about being with Michael. That always seems to make me feel better in away. It is something I have been doing for years now.
 
MJsBollywoodGirl7 said:
Ever since the night when This Is It premiered I have been a real emotional wreck. Thankfully I didn't see the movie or hear the song yet. Cause emotionally I can't handle it. I don't know if I will ever be ready to see it. Though I would really love to hear the song This Is It. But I just can't. On the night of the This Is It premiered I did have a MJ dream. Which cause the emotional wreck that I still am in now. The dream was about me being with Michael watching him rehearsed for This Is it. OMG did he looked so good in that dream. I really didn't want to dream to end but it did. And when I woke up I was really crying and missing Michael terribly. Now I am almost back to feeling how I was when I first heard the horrible news. And the one thing I do find quite comforting is having these daydreams and fantasies about being with Michael. That always seems to make me feel better in away. It is something I have been doing for years now.
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I know how you feel. I've been down ever since Tuesday, as the release became closer. I had been convincing myself that I can't see it, that I shouldn't see it. But a few people on here have made me think twice, about some of the reasons I should see it.

I am a bit undecided at the moment. I think I need to be brave for Michael though.
 
i don't know, my heads a mess. since june i been in a haze, not really functioning but getting by. i been waiting on an arrest but nothings happening there.. so my next thing to look forward to was...... TII. i thought it would bring clousure for me but its so not. it hasn't closed anything in fact its opened up a whole load of emotions. i watched the film and cryed and laughed and watched in awe... but now..now i'm bloody angry,now i want answers, now i want someone to pay. i'm not normally a weak person. i had enough shit in my life and got through it all ok, but i cant seem to shake this, i think about him everyday and i feel empty. i am getting on with things though, i do still go out, i do still find time to laugh but in those alone moments i have.. i daydream and take myself off to another world, another land where we are all together and peace prevails. where hate is banished and .........oh bugger i don't know, i can't express myself properly.. all i know is that i feel ... i feel
 
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