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I dont know what to do.

D.Electric

D.Electric

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I dont even have the emotional energy to write it all down.

I have no one. Im alone here, and being so full of grief isnt helping.

I moved here 7 months ago because Id gone through a horrible horrible time... It was working out well and Ive fallen in love but im still so ****** lonely. wherever i go im lonely. I seem to have the inhability to connect with people. People like me, Im fun to be around and people want to connect with me, I just cant with them. I want to, but i just cant. The one person I felt any closeness to I hardly ever saw and now hes gone.

The last two years have been so horrible. Ive been a drug addict, Ive suffered chronic insomnia, Ive been a victim of slander, I got so badly beat up and the case got thrown out of court, Ive been surronded by death and suicide, and so much more shit. I dont know how much more i can take. And when I do have the opportunity to talk about it, I just cant. I clam up. I just want to run away again but its my answer to everything and IT DOESNT WORK. I'm so ****** tired i just want to sleep and block it all out. Sometimes when i do sleep, I wake up and Im so disapointed that I didnt sleep forever. I dont know what to do, i dont have any answers.
 
Danniilee.....babe, no one has the answers, I don't have the answers. But, I wanted to reply to let you know I HEAR YOU. And, that it's okay to feel down. But, we must find some way, some how, to get ourselves back up. We all have to try and do the best we can.

I am so sorry that you are feeling so lonely, and exhausted. I think most people can understand these emotions, as we've all had bouts of this throughout our lives. The thing that helps me the most in these moments is going outside, feeling the sun on my face...or climbing a tree, and laying there staring at the sky...or taking a walk and watching the birds. SOMETHING, ANYTHING, to give you a sense of a larger connection to the world can help, for me at least. Sometimes, again for me, it is less about connecting with other people, and more about connected myself to the world, to magic, to the universe, to the whole shebang.

Please know that while I may not have the answers, I, and so many others here, have the ears to listen, and the fingers to type, and can validate that your feelings are real, and the heart to know that together we can try to help each other through.
 
Sometimes life seems pointless. But I think that the meaning of life is that we stick to it. The only advice I can give you: Continue to search for happiness. Obviously you haven't found it yet. And take care of yourself. Satisfy your needs.
 
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Im so sick of searching. I feel like its never going to end. I worry that I dont ever know what happiness really is. it feels like something made up in fairy tales.
 
danniilee said:
Im so sick of searching. I feel like its never going to end. I worry that I dont ever know what happiness really is. it feels like something made up in fairy tales.
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You have to endure this life. The whole life is a search for something. All people are on the search. There will always be events that make one unhappy. Not everyone can find happiness. But there are some moments of happiness. Who knows what's in your cards. You've got to keep on trying. Otherwise you might miss your happiness.
 
I really appreciate your words... but this isnt just a 'oh youll feel better soon, everyone feels like this sometimes'...this is over 20 years of shit. utter shit. everything i touch turns to shit. I even tried to kill myself when i got out of rehab 9 months ago... couldnt even do that properly...

dont worry, Im not about to hang myself... I learnt my lesson last time, im not that weak, just fed up. Ive had help before so that doesnt work... it did for a while but i just dunno... My biggest fear right now is that Ill turn back to drugs, atleast it was an escape.

all i want to do is be a good person, I spend the majority of time workng to help people, 10% of my pay cheque goes to charity, I have my own not for profit company that works with a childrens charity in uganda. Im a good person, Ive made **** ups, yeh... but I moved on from those and life is still s.h.i.t.
 
danniilee said:
all i want to do is be a good person, I spend the majority of time workng to help people, 10% of my pay cheque goes to charity, I have my own not for profit company that works with a childrens charity in uganda.
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You have your own not for profit company? I think that is amazing! Do you get some happiness from that? I also think you are very brave for going through rehab and getting clean. I can't even imagine how difficult that would be.
 
yeh i guess, but most of the time, i just get pissed off at how uncharitable the majority of the population are and get upset and frustrated that i cant help as much as i want to. I have an overwhelming desire to help these children, but money gets in the way. I get angry and overwhelmed with sadness that i cant do more. if i had the cash, i would be in uganda myself.
 
Girl, I just wanted to say...I've seen posts of you, I follow you on Twitter (one with the blue eye) and I think you are a beautiful person inside and out! I'm sorry to read you're feeling this way and have to endure all that.:(

You ARE a good person, that's just amazing...what you do for charity! You're just one of a very few!
You know, Michael would be so proud of you. For being who you are, doing your own thing...being there for others.
He wouldn't let you go the road down again and I'm sure he somehow will take care of that.
This world can be full of shit, but the ones that go through the hard times are the ones that change this world.

Really hope you will have fun in life soon....from what I read, I think you are definitely strong enough.
Keep it up. :hug:
 
Unfortunately money runs the ****** place and its sick how it works its way into our lives causing us grief. I just wish I had your drive to help children abroad. Is there any way possible I could somehow get involved in your company? I do a lot of fundraising in the UK but have not done anything for international charities yet.

I'd love to help out to take some of your burden.

T.O.Y.
 
hi Danniilee, i so hope you find what your looking for or what you need in this life to make things better for you hunny. i feel most of us are searching for something, i am too, though what it is i don't know yet, i probably wouldn't notice even if i came and bit me on the arse.
you are a very kind soul and deserve so much more than what life has given you so far, i hope good times are not far away for you.
:better:
 
I know life sucks even though my past isn't as bad as you describe yours I know what it feels like to go to sleep feeling like shit and wake up the same way every day.

If you ever feel the need to talk just send me a PM ok :hug:
 
danniilee said:
yeh i guess, but most of the time, i just get pissed off at how uncharitable the majority of the population are and get upset and frustrated that i cant help as much as i want to. I have an overwhelming desire to help these children, but money gets in the way. I get angry and overwhelmed with sadness that i cant do more. if i had the cash, i would be in uganda myself.
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I see...there are the social circumstances that gets you down. The divide between rich and poor is difficult to break. The help from the bottom up, isn't satisfactory and has little power. The world is full of injustices.

But we all together can do something about it. Let's start a revolution movement!:cheeky: I'm just kidding.....

On a serious note, it's difficult to cope with the social challenges these days. That makes many people frustrated and sick. We can do/achieve little.
 
Money doesnt have to be an issue when it comes to helping people and charity. There are 1000's of projects here in the UK. People need help all over our country, Children, Young Adults, Family, Animals the Elderly...

Have you ever checked out this website http://www.do-it.org.uk/
 
yeh i have thanks sugarbunny, but i run my own not for profit company which is lacking in funds... its keeping the company above water that is getting me down rather than lack of opportunity.

Although I really apreciate all of your words, its not social circumstance or being able to help thats getting to me... I was merely trying to say 'FFS im a good person why does this crap happen to meeee?!?!' I'm happy with the work that i do, and yes i do wish i could do more, but i think everyone who works in that sector or has a caring streak wishes that.

Last night I was so emotionally drained. Ive been the same today but i think i know whats set alot of it off.

I DO find it hard to make connections with people, but that doesnt mean i dont have friends. Ive moved around alot but my base has always been in Cardiff which is where my family live and I lived there for some time. A friend of mine sent me a video he made of a combo of nights out we had had... in all fairness I was off my trolley in the bit i was on but it made me realise how much i miss him and them. Our lifestyle wasnt a healthy one at all but we had a laugh and looked out for eachother. I had a long overdue chat wth him today and it seems weve both cleaned up our act and talking to him for the first time in six months and that video just made me so homesick.

then to top it all off... My mum called me a few hours ago to say she had just driven past my old flat and it made her miss me. Im so homesick i havent stopped crying all day. a huge part of me just wants to go home.


heres the video that set it all off... haha... its funny... im the wasted girl who kisses at the screen and blows ciggie smoke... not very attractive!! im not like that at all now but i still really miss being part of a big group of rock and rollas... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZGH1x8kxoP8
 
oh yeh, and my cat dissapeared 4 weeks ago...may not seem like such a big deal but he was like my child :( argh... im sure things will get better soon, never know whats round the corner.
 
hey dannii only just come across this thread now and your such a great person ive enjoyed being you both times we have met and id love to met up again and again and again but im prob now way as fun as that video looks

anytime u wanna hit me up you got my deets
 
I'll never forget the 3-way horrid gum tasting in the cinema carpark with us three :p :D
 
hi danniilee. isn't it possible for you to put a link or something in your siggy so people can donate to your charity? if it's allowed on the forum that is. just a thought. :)
 
Mrs. Music said:
Girl, I just wanted to say...I've seen posts of you, I follow you on Twitter (one with the blue eye) and I think you are a beautiful person inside and out! I'm sorry to read you're feeling this way and have to endure all that.:(

You ARE a good person, that's just amazing...what you do for charity! You're just one of a very few!
You know, Michael would be so proud of you. For being who you are, doing your own thing...being there for others.
He wouldn't let you go the road down again and I'm sure he somehow will take care of that.
This world can be full of shit, but the ones that go through the hard times are the ones that change this world.

Really hope you will have fun in life soon....from what I read, I think you are definitely strong enough.
Keep it up. :hug:
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Hi Danniilee - I just want to agree with what Mrs Music has said, I remember when you joined the board, it was around the same time I did and I find your threads uplifting. The way you speak about Michael is as if you knew him personally and I can tell that you are feeling this loss very deeply, as we all are.
The work that you are doing is fantastic, it must give you a feeling of satisfaction to know you are doing something to benefit others and not just talking about it, I admire you for that. I'm a nurse and I have been looking at ways that I could maybe use my skills to help over the next few years - one thing that this has taught me is what is important in my life and it isn't furthering my career and making more money which is about all I was interested in before June....
You're also a very talented musician from what I can gather and to be able to write songs about your own experiences is a gift - use that to channel your energies also.

Please don't feel like you are alone - if you ever want to talk or feel temped down some path you don't want to go down again please PM me and I will give you my number, email and you can just let it all out.
I have had similar experiences regarding addictions and I know where you are, particularly at this difficult time, everything is exacerbated, please get in touch if you want to talk.

Take care

Susie x
 
MJLover1990 said:
A very big hug to you hon! :hug:
We are always here for you and we love you, just know that and you'll be fine.
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............My words exactly,completly agree:yes:
((((((((warm hug to danillee)))))))))))))
 
Hi :) You have to search inside you.. the answer is in your heart ! No one can give you the answer.. Only you can. Go search in your heart what can make YOU happy.. what can make YOU feel good.. :) You have it inside you !!

 
I just want to say to every one, thankyou so much for your messages. I woke up this mornin as the sun rose, watched a purple dawn and felt fragile. but today I had a revelation. Im ok, I came through alot before, and i will feel like this sometimes, but i accept that it is a normal part of life. Thankyou again, you are all beautiful people.
 
dannii i wish we could take your pain away, i know this is particularly hard for you as michael was your friend. is there no way you would move back home if you miss home and the people there. perhaps it would help to be with them, at least for a while? i know you want to help others, but think of yourself too, don't forget you. oh and the blonde dude with the long hair in the vid looks like a whole load of fun to be with!

about the connections thing.. im not sure if i know what you mean, i might do. for me, since certain things happened i think i have barriers up, don't really let people in properly. i don't open up fully, think i keep the real me hidden sometimes, as a protection i think. i have a group of about 9 friends who hang out, but only 1 of them is really on my wavelength. there was also a boy who i was close to, we were very good friends since i was 11 (im 21 now), he was there with me when i went through very hard times, but then he got a girlfriend and she didn't like him talking to me.. so he cut our friendship, well actually he wanted it to continue in secret from her, but i wasn't too comfortable with that. so we didn't speak anymore, apart from only 2 messages via facebook. now he's split from her after a year, and guess who he calls and asks to meet up with..me. i missed him, but i do feel slightly peed off.

anyway enough about me, .. from what iv seen on here you seem like an ace person and i guess i don't have the words that i want to say to you ... i just really wish you could feel better, and always know you have people who are there for you.

edit:whoops.. i was still writing when you posted your update! glad you are feeling better today/yesterday!
 
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danniilee said:
I just want to say to every one, thankyou so much for your messages. I woke up this mornin as the sun rose, watched a purple dawn and felt fragile. but today I had a revelation. Im ok, I came through alot before, and i will feel like this sometimes, but i accept that it is a normal part of life. Thankyou again, you are all beautiful people.
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so glad to hear it. purple dawns are the best :cheeky:
 
danniilee said:
I just want to say to every one, thankyou so much for your messages. I woke up this mornin as the sun rose, watched a purple dawn and felt fragile. but today I had a revelation. Im ok, I came through alot before, and i will feel like this sometimes, but i accept that it is a normal part of life. Thankyou again, you are all beautiful people.
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Danniilee: I juts read this thread this morning and I am so happy to know that you feel better. Hard situations and bad things sometimes semed to come all together. I just want for you to remember that we will not get more than we can handel. As far as I know you are a smart, strong, kind, accomplished girl, and I am more than sure you can defeat any obstacule you come across.

We are all here for each other, we trust you, so plase keep trusting in us when you feel down, WE ARE HERE FOR YOU!

Feel free to PM me at anytime you need anyone to talk to :hug:
Paula
 
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