Let me tell you somethin' about black folks...
We might forget to be on time...
We might forget to pass down history....
We might forget to vote...
But, one thing we will never forget to do is COONIN'! EVER!!!
As you all know, I was thinking positive thoughts. You know, trying to use the law of attraction, new earth, or whatever kick Oprah is on, however, that failed with the 8th Annual BET Awards. Even when I saw glimmers of hope, the next moment I was assaulted with some jumpin’ jehosafats tomfoolery!
The show opened with Usher, the current “new legend”. Letting the kids know, "I paved the way! If I would've known what I knew back then, I would've never started a trend!" Do it Usher...
DL Hughley starts and there begins the treacherous vertigo of another BET failure. Hughley’s monologue was stiff and full of moronic jokes.
Jennifer Hudson and Terrance Howard presented an award, and while I thought J-Hud looked fab, my dear friend said, “She looks like an encased Vienna sausage with arms like two sides of ham at Pookie's barbecue!" Hey, we all see it differently. I’m just glad she didn’t hire Andre Leon Tally!
Now, Terrance Howard looked absurd, like a runway dandy from the Mississippi Delta! I'm really afraid of his musical endeavors. Who would've thought I would miss the slick back?
Side note: Who are the writers at BET with these awful jokes for the celebrities? Terrance Howard and J-Hud’s ramble sounded like something from the beginning of a porn called Black Tail Shooters. Hold my mule!
The next performance was from Young Jezzy, who must be the Toby Keith of hip-hop, doused in the American flag and a bunch of patriotism like he was running for Republican office. Diva Kanye gave a light performance, which didn’t inspire me.
Mel B. and Kevin Hart presented an award -- some odd coupling. Hart looked like a black smurf while Mel B. resembled an Amazon woman from the moon in her banana yellow dress. Not good…
Things were bad, but not too bad… then we had Keyshia Cole. Now, I like Keyshia but that girl has absolutely no grace. Every time I see her she looks like she came from a gunfight and while I know she thinks she is keeping it hood like Mary J. Blige—Mary is a classy lady. Keyshia's performance started off completely bizarre with her at the top of a pole (I thought she was going to start dropping it like it’s hot) in a waterfall background that looked like a commercial for Tropical Mist Glade PlugIns. Don't forget that horrendous blue eye shadow that gave her a striking resemblance to Rafik from The Lion King.
Keyshia's madness continued with wacky dancing, nearly falling off the stage and Lil' Kim jumping on for the tranny factor.
Another side note: Keyshia was dramatically off-key, but so were some of the other performers or you couldn’t hear them at all. Is BET borrowing the sound system from Crenshaw High School—get the sound system together!
After Keyshia my spirit was in shambles, but Ne-Yo managed to add a touch of class in a sleek performance with live vocals and good dancing.
It was good to see the cast of Boyz 'N Hood. I don't know how Cuba Gooding Jr. suddenly got his Negro voice back, Morris looked like a stoic hulk of muscle and Nia Long is still downright gorgeous. I love that woman…
Then, we get to Alicia Keys, who was emoting with those femme queen hips that looked pumped with sil, but the best part was seeing the girl groups from the '90's. SWV was a lil' stuffed in their outfits, but it's all good, Coko was still singing and we can’t expect everyone to age like Iman.
TLC was cute and a lil' sad without Left Eye. Why did T-Boz sound like a strangled Sesame Street character when she was groaning through “Waterfalls”?
Above all, En Vogue, the oldest group of the three, was absolutely stunning, they didn't age a millisecond and for the life of me I don't understand why they don't do a reunion album.
Now for the shuck n’ jive, moon cricket, pickaninny, Jim Crow coonery—a disturbing performance from T-Painful and the Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey circus of fools! T was grinning in his minstrel show top hat, a messy Rick Ross looking like Isaac Hayes if he swallowed an inner tube and had the nerve to rap, “I’m fresh out of jail!” Negro please…
Big Boi joins them, ensuring that Andre 3000 will never work with him again. We get Ludacris screaming, “You’re not hood if you don’t know what I’m talking about!” It was a chain-chain-chain of circus fools that looked like a scene gone badly from Idlewild. And, believe me; most of the scenes in Idlewild were already bad.
After that I basically had an aneurysm, skipped the gospel queens, and finally was brought to life by a stirring tribute to Al Green. Jill Scott, Anthony Hamilton and, especially Maxwell, sang the bejeezus out of Al Green’s songs! Maxwell still has the sexy and I am hoping he gets a chance to release another album… he’s still got it!
Rihanna took the stage in an uninspiring performance for a song that I can’t even believe is a hit.
Queen Latifah, looking like a big blue wall of ocean, honors Quincy Jones… now you know Q is not proud to be at BET, I’m sure Spike Lee was texting him with African proverbs to get him through the night!
There was an oddball performance from Nelly with Jermaine Dupri, Ciara and the trashy Fergie, who looked like a Rockette that got lost on her way to the roller derby. Now, from what I got, the song is about stepping on someone’s sneakers… what the hell is this? Welfare carols!
The inarticulate, zoned out, splattered cock roach, Lil’ Wayne, closed the show with more of T-Painful and everyone reminded us how he sold 900,000 copies…
Oh, almost forgot, Alicia snatched video of the year for “Like You’ll Never See Me Again”. She ruined her speech with some inspirational madness that sounded like something out of a dramatization workshop, “We will no longer say ‘can’t’!” Oh, yes I will Alicia—I can’t deal with these embarrassing Negroes every damn year, coonin’ it up -- then getting praised for it like they are doing something earth shattering with BET clocking in at three hours and fifteen minutes of tomfoolery!
Yes, I used tomfoolery twice! Let me go pull out A New Earth—I’se need some redemption!
For those who follow my blog, big shout-out to Apollonia for the priceless help on this post.
PS. Thank God Diva Kanye won more than once. Lawd knows he would've demolished BET's cardboard set!
LINK:
http://claycane.blogspot.com/2008/06/bet-awards-2008.html
Anyway, if you thought that was nasty last night, I found this on youtube as I was looking for the full song Take U Down. There's some Chris fans on here so.... enjoyyyy..... or not! ;D
