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HELP! still grieving terribly, going up and don like a merry-go-round!

angelofhope

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Hello everyone.
I thought I was getting over it. Now I am still having waves of grief .
In the beginning of this terrible loss- all our terrible loss I felt my heart was being ripped out and I was angry, boy was I angry. I couldn't listen to any of MJ'S music, look at any of my MJ stuff etc. Now I can , but find it so difficult to watch any interviews he has done. I have purchased a interview/fan footage boxset recently, and watching the Oprah interview esp tears me up insidde. I also keep looking up YouTube to watch some on the speeches at the memorial- and cry my heart out when I am watching them.
I am going forward, but keep dragging myself back!
please help!x
 
wendijane said:
wishing you strentgh babe .
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:hug: wendijane. I would like to join as well. I remember getting a PM a long time ago about this forum,because I had helped others with their grief,but Now a long time later I may need to join.
 
I'm in the same boat as you are.

There are times that I can live with MJ being in the upper echelon of God's holiest of holy souls, and whenever I look up to the sky, I feel gratitude & love coming down on me like sunshine rays after the rain.

There are times that I break down and CAN'T. DEAL. This is where I shut down & can't see/hear anything related to MJ. Even staying away from his fan boards, like MJJC & MaxJax & Justice sites.

I just bought the This Is It DVD, 2 months later. I haven't seen the movie in the movie theaters because - I just can't.

My daughter saw TII at her afterschool program and the kids loved it. She convinced me to buy it, but for her to see it again. She asked me, "Mom, if you love MJ so much, why don't you want to see him?"

I answered her - "BECAUSE IT HURTS."

She still doesn't understand the concept of grief yet - God bless her.

TII DVD is staring me in the face, and I'm just not ready to see it.

So, Angel of Innocence, I totally get where you are coming from.

I think that once I make it to FL Glendale with Erin & Justice for MJ crew (hopefully someday), I'll be able to heal a little more.

But I can't rush myself. This pain is very real & bigger than any type of death/grief/loss I've experienced. Bigger than my grandmother (may she forgive me).
 
I know exactly how you. Especially when I was really crying over him not that long ago. And I still feel like I am ready to cry over him again any minute now. What started it for me was just seeing that topic in this section. About some German MJ fans giving Michael an amazing gift. There was a video that was posted of it and I just couldn't watch it. Because it just automatically made me think of that blanket that me and a bunch of other MJ fans took part in for Michael. A good few years ago. Just thinking about is just making me cry all over again. I know I am going to be mourning for him for the rest of my life. And I have since gotten very used to crying over him every single day.
 
Sirena said:
I'm in the same boat as you are.

There are times that I can live with MJ being in the upper echelon of God's holiest of holy souls, and whenever I look up to the sky, I feel gratitude & love coming down on me like sunshine rays after the rain.

There are times that I break down and CAN'T. DEAL. This is where I shut down & can't see/hear anything related to MJ. Even staying away from his fan boards, like MJJC & MaxJax & Justice sites.

I just bought the This Is It DVD, 2 months later. I haven't seen the movie in the movie theaters because - I just can't.

My daughter saw TII at her afterschool program and the kids loved it. She convinced me to buy it, but for her to see it again. She asked me, "Mom, if you love MJ so much, why don't you want to see him?"

I answered her - "BECAUSE IT HURTS."

She still doesn't understand the concept of grief yet - God bless her.

TII DVD is staring me in the face, and I'm just not ready to see it.

So, Angel of Innocence, I totally get where you are coming from.

I think that once I make it to FL Glendale with Erin & Justice for MJ crew (hopefully someday), I'll be able to heal a little more.

But I can't rush myself. This pain is very real & bigger than any type of death/grief/loss I've experienced. Bigger than my grandmother (may she forgive me).
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first of all...i guess i can say i'm glad that after school programs officially feel comfortable endorsing Michael Jackson, for kids, though i wish it wouldn't take something like... well..like..that, for them, to do it..

but i will say, that i did see the movie...and, if u have the itunes download version...or any version that is 111 minutes...it really doesn't give any reference...except for just a little print at the beginning or end, which hints at something...but if u didn't know what happened, u would have a hard time guessing...maybe that is why your daughter didn't notice, while watching. it's kinda joyous, a film, to watch, is what i'm trying to say..

it makes u feel like he's still here...
 
I hear ya! This is totally a lifelong pain. Like a chronic illness like arthritis or diabetes. There is no cure. Somedays will be better than others, yes, but then there are days when the pain just takes over and you can't function.

It's just a matter of working around it. I know I'm with you on that this grief will last forever.



MJsBollywoodGirl7 said:
I know exactly how you. Especially when I was really crying over him not that long ago. And I still feel like I am ready to cry over him again any minute now. What started it for me was just seeing that topic in this section. About some German MJ fans giving Michael an amazing gift. There was a video that was posted of it and I just couldn't watch it. Because it just automatically made me think of that blanket that me and a bunch of other MJ fans took part in for Michael. A good few years ago. Just thinking about is just making me cry all over again. I know I am going to be mourning for him for the rest of my life. And I have since gotten very used to crying over him every single day.
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MJ Crazy said:
You are welcome to join us at MJJ Sanctuary to talk about your grief. We are a support group of Michael's fans.

Hope to see you there. :angel:

http://mjjsanctuary.freeforums.org/
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Thanks MJ Crazy for suggesting our forum!

Angelofinnocence or anyone else who is hurting or wants to talk about their feelings -- you're welcome to join us at MJJSanctuary. It's a small, safe space full of wonderful people! If you have any questions, Nova and I are the admins there and if you have any questions feel free to contact us!
 
At my daughter's public afterschool program (City of Tampa, Florida) Michael is on the Black History Month wall next to Rosa Parks & Dr. MLK, Jr. They watched TII as a part of Black History Month. When I saw that, I welled up in tears & the head coach saw me & hugged me. She's also a HUGE fan. We sometimes chat about MJ, doing some other activities together. On halloween, I volunteered for the Thriller dance & the kids LOVED IT. New generations are learning about our hero.

When I went into the Best Buy store to purchase TII, as we walked in, "Billie Jean" was blaring from the sound systems on sale. Then my daughter says, "Mom, hear that??? That's Michael wanting us to buy the DVD!"

:angel::boohoo:

Even though he's not here, he's everywhere.


vncwilliam said:
first of all...i guess i can say i'm glad that after school programs officially feel comfortable endorsing Michael Jackson, for kids, though i wish it wouldn't take something like... well..like..that, for them, to do it..

but i will say, that i did see the movie...and, if u have the itunes download version...or any version that is 111 minutes...it really doesn't give any reference...except for just a little print at the beginning or end, which hints at something...but if u didn't know what happened, u would have a hard time guessing...maybe that is why your daughter didn't notice, while watching. it's kinda joyous, a film, to watch, is what i'm trying to say..

it makes u feel like he's still here...
Click to expand...
 
angelofinnocence said:
Hello everyone.
I thought I was getting over it. Now I am still having waves of grief .
In the beginning of this terrible loss- all our terrible loss I felt my heart was being ripped out and I was angry, boy was I angry. I couldn't listen to any of MJ'S music, look at any of my MJ stuff etc. Now I can , but find it so difficult to watch any interviews he has done. I have purchased a interview/fan footage boxset recently, and watching the Oprah interview esp tears me up insidde. I also keep looking up YouTube to watch some on the speeches at the memorial- and cry my heart out when I am watching them.
I am going forward, but keep dragging myself back!
please help!x
Click to expand...

Don´t watch the interviews and speeches if it tears you up.
Let the grief take the time you need, you can look at it later.
I don´t look at anything from the memorial.
 
Sirena said:
At my daughter's public afterschool program (City of Tampa, Florida) Michael is on the Black History Month wall next to Rosa Parks & Dr. MLK, Jr. They watched TII as a part of Black History Month. When I saw that, I welled up in tears & the head coach saw me & hugged me. She's also a HUGE fan. We sometimes chat about MJ, doing some other activities together. On halloween, I volunteered for the Thriller dance & the kids LOVED IT. New generations are learning about our hero.

When I went into the Best Buy store to purchase TII, as we walked in, "Billie Jean" was blaring from the sound systems on sale. Then my daughter says, "Mom, hear that??? That's Michael wanting us to buy the DVD!"

:angel::boohoo:

Even though he's not here, he's everywhere.
Click to expand...

Haaa Haaaa!!

ok. yes..he's still here..

that's the one great thing, still, about this old world...

there are still kids in it.
 
angelofinnocence said:
Hello everyone.
I thought I was getting over it. Now I am still having waves of grief .
In the beginning of this terrible loss- all our terrible loss I felt my heart was being ripped out and I was angry, boy was I angry. I couldn't listen to any of MJ'S music, look at any of my MJ stuff etc. Now I can , but find it so difficult to watch any interviews he has done. I have purchased a interview/fan footage boxset recently, and watching the Oprah interview esp tears me up insidde. I also keep looking up YouTube to watch some on the speeches at the memorial- and cry my heart out when I am watching them.
I am going forward, but keep dragging myself back!
please help!x
Click to expand...

Hi Angelo I understand your grief. I too could not listen to or look at my music, videos, and magazines for weeks. In fact, I bought things but just kept them there for when I was ready. I began by listening to music from his teenage years and younger because he was years away from the age of his death. In some strange way I felt that young Michael was not the same as 50 year old Michael. After listening to him when he was younger for weeks, I then branched out to looking at videos of him as a teen performing on TV. These two things were a good healing tool for me. I stayed away from interviews; TV comments about him which are usually hurtful even though they may start off positive; and I do not look at the memorial even though at the time I looked at the ending of it and was glad to hear Paris and Al Sharpton speak of him.

The thing that makes the grief even worse is that he was persecuted all his life and died at the hands of another way too young, and none of us were prepared. Further, there is no justice yet for his death which deepens the wounds. Just take it one day at a time and always thing of the positive things about him regardless of negative comments of others. I have found that focusing on happy situations involving him make me happier. Also, stay away from the threads in this forum that instigate negative comments about him. Include him in your family prays if you pray. I have found that if I act as though he is a part of my personal and inner circle, the grief is less. God bless you.
 
I feel this way too. There are days, maybe weeks, that I'm at peace. I don't cry, and it doesn't hurt when I think about Michael. I get this happy feeling, I do enjoy listening to his music and often dance to it. However, most of the time I do cry and it hurts, even just when somebody says his name... 'Michael'. It feels like a black hole is growing inside, and there's nothing in it. I promise it feels like that. Sometimes I look up to the sky and get angry, very angry with God and Michael, telling them why did they do this to all of us.
The thing is, hun, that you aren't alone in this, ok? I promise you that Michael's caring for all of us, right now. Right now, he's lookng down at us, proud of us, missing us... LOVING US. Loving YOU. :huggy: No one will ever take that away from us, because no one can. He lives in us. We are Michael. We are his love. And that will be like that forever.
I know this is hard, I know it, but please never think that you are alone, ok? You've got people in this forum who really love you and care for you. And we have to stand up together for Michael, to show the world that nothing can beat us, nothing can beat Michael, not even his death. We are one. :) Please, if you're suffering don't let it grow inside you. Let us know, we are here to help you 'cause we understand what you are feeling. Stay strong. :heart::huggy:
 
Amen. Kids are still in it.

And like Tagore said (and who MJ studied):

"Every child comes with the message that God is not yet discouraged of man."
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vncwilliam said:
Haaa Haaaa!!

ok. yes..he's still here..

that's the one great thing, still, about this old world...

there are still kids in it.
Click to expand...
 
thanks everyone. I just needed to share. I think i'm looking for things to ease the pain but sometimes they can make it worse. I find scrapbooking helpful and think I will try and scrapbook instead- it's says on the MIND uk website this is supposed to help.
Thankyou you all so much for your kindness. I guess i'm also getting sad because Dr.Death will be on our radar soon for his pre-trial. :no:
 
Do what ever you can to help yourself though this. It all takes time and we are all going though the grief in our own way. I also hate the thoughts of this trial coming up.
 
Grief is an individual process and everyone reacts differently to do. Never let anyone tell you that you should be over it. You can never get over it. None of us here will ever stop grieving for Michael. We lost someone close to us and its hurts so much that he's gone.
 
:clapping::clapping::clapping::clapping:

Amen.

I don't think I'll ever get over it, just like all of us here.

sloride said:
Grief is an individual process and everyone reacts differently to do. Never let anyone tell you that you should be over it. You can never get over it. None of us here will ever stop grieving for Michael. We lost someone close to us and its hurts so much that he's gone.
Click to expand...
 
sloride said:
Grief is an individual process and everyone reacts differently to do. Never let anyone tell you that you should be over it. You can never get over it. None of us here will ever stop grieving for Michael. We lost someone close to us and its hurts so much that he's gone.
Click to expand...

Couldn`t have said any better.

Grief is a part of me/us now. His first on my mind when i wake up and his the last in my thoughts before i fall asleep. Even when i am up and about, his thoughts comes and goes.. Its a bittersweet feeling really. Its also annoying too that his constantly in my mind. Past 8-9 months has been like this. Every single day. Not a day, not an hour goes by when i dont think of him. Its become a way of life now, his become a part of me in this phenomenal way that i cant even explain. I guess its grief, and i am not about to let go. We are in it together. :angel:
 
angelofinnocence said:
thanks everyone. I just needed to share. I think i'm looking for things to ease the pain but sometimes they can make it worse. I find scrapbooking helpful and think I will try and scrapbook instead- it's says on the MIND uk website this is supposed to help.
Thankyou you all so much for your kindness. I guess i'm also getting sad because Dr.Death will be on our radar soon for his pre-trial. :no:
Click to expand...

I am also trying find things to try and ease the pain as well. Even just for a little while. Which is why I am going back and play my Sims 2 game. To work on this Dormitory called Moonwalker Halls. So far now this is helping to ease my pain. Well that and watching the Japanese version of Sailor Moon on You Tube.

sharon007 said:
Do what ever you can to help yourself though this. It all takes time and we are all going though the grief in our own way. I also hate the thoughts of this trial coming up.
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Same here I just really hate the thought of that trial that is coming. I know I am going to be a real absolute mess when that day comes. Just like I was at Dr. Death's first courtroom appearance. I would not be feeling sad, miserable, and depressed all of the time now. If that murdering monster did not kill my sweet beloved Michael.
 
I must say this:

Because of this thread & my daughter's insistence, I watched TII tonight on DVD.

I needed to see it alone, which she respected after a while.

I cried my eyes out. I laughed. I sang along & even did the dancing in the chair thing.

I've been an MJ fan since 1976. I KNOW MICHAEL. And what I saw, Michael was not ready to die. He was ready to give his all in London. If you watch the Dangerous rehersals on Youtube, it's very similar - except he gave a bit more on TII (and didn't fall on the ground saying "ow, ow" ...LOL!!!)

I'm a mess right now, but my daughter gave me strength to face it. MJ - although not here with us now - is ever present and will be for a LOOOONG time, si Dios quiere.

I need to breathe & get it together.
 
:huggy: to everyone in this thread.

:huggy: to Sirena. I know it must have been hard for you to watch this film. Even though I saw it when it came out, it's still very hard for me to rewatch it (I almost never do) because the thought of seeing him being so ALIVE and knowing that just a few hours later he would fall asleep to never wake up again is unbearable to me....

:huggy: to angelofinnocence. I know how you feel. I burst into tears in the train on my way to work today just from reading this thread. I am so thankful for this forum and for all of you guys. Thankful for being able to come here and share my grief with you. This time last year I was so happy with my life, with very aspect of my life. I had so much to enjoy and look forward to. But now... Now I am just this huge open wound. The only thing that keeps me going is my vacation, which is in a month when I will fly to LA to visit Michael. That's the only thing I can think of, nothing else exists for me. Sometimes I feel like I've lost the will to live altogether. I just don't see the point anymore. I feel like I'm useless and just a waste of air.

And thanks for the link to the support forum. I'm going to register there. It's sad the MJJC support forum was moved to the archives..
 
angelofinnocence said:
thanks everyone. I just needed to share. I think i'm looking for things to ease the pain but sometimes they can make it worse. I find scrapbooking helpful and think I will try and scrapbook instead- it's says on the MIND uk website this is supposed to help.
Thankyou you all so much for your kindness. I guess i'm also getting sad because Dr.Death will be on our radar soon for his pre-trial. :no:
Click to expand...

I have been trying to do things as well, like making jewelry, watching old tv shows working on music. Still its hard to be motivated when I have a deep sadness inside my soul.
 
MJstarlight said:
I have been trying to do things as well, like making jewelry, watching old tv shows working on music. Still its hard to be motivated when I have a deep sadness inside my soul.
Click to expand...

I know what you mean about being motivated. I now have to force myself to do things that I normally wouldn't forced myself on doing. Like getting up in the mornings. I really hate getting up in the mornings anymore. Because I am always forced to spend another horrible day of missing my Michael terribly. All I really want to do anymore is just sleep. Because sleep is still is the only thing that has brought me such great comfort since that horrible June day.
 
The grieving would as we all love Michael so dearly and as long Michael was in our heart. It's very hard not to think or miss Michael for one day. I thought I could do that but I was wrong. Michael changed my entire life. I wasnt the same anymore like I used to be. I couldnt thank Michael for more. On Dec 13, Michael came into my dream and he changed my feelings for him. The feeling that was once just ordinary pure admiration blossomed to love.

A quote from Frodo in ROTK :
"How do you pick up the threads of an old life? How do you go on... when in your heart you begin to understand... there is no going back? There are somethings that time cannot mend... some hurts that go too deep... that have taken hold"

It's true.. :cry:
 
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