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I miss you Michael

I still miss Michael more than words can ever describe. I am starting to cry over him again. And I had just gotten up over an hour ago. I am sure I am going to be a real mess this Thursday at 6:30 pm. Cause it will be exactly 8 months. And I am trying so hard not to think about it. But it just can't be helped. I still so badly wish that I was the one that died that horrible day instead of Michael. I just want Michael back so very badly. So I can finally stopped my constant crying. I know I am going to be mourning for him for the rest of my life. And I have gotten quite used to it. Especially since being happy or any feelings similar to happy. Is something I am never going to know anymore.
 
^ I feel the same. I miss him terribly, and I love him more than words can possibly express. I've never felt pain like this. Some days are better than others but even those days are tough. I don't think it will ever get any easier. I am just learning how to live with the pain and sorrow. I still cry everyday and I think I will for the rest of my life. When I get to crying my heart hurts, literally, I get a pain in my chest and have to stop crying and calm down. My head feels like it will explode.

This is the worst agony I've ever felt. I felt sadness during his trial, but nothing like this. I built my whole life around him. Michael is the love of my life and I love him unconditionally. He is the only man I fell in love with and the only man I had a crush on. I would constantly fantasize about what it would be like to marry him and how our first kiss would go. I felt and still feel such a deep connection to him like that between a husband and wife. It might sound crazy but I really feel like I lost a husband. I've never loved anyone the way I love him and probably never will. I just wish so badly I could take some Diprivan, Demerol or whatever so I can sleep forever and be with Michael. Cause that is where I want to be so badly. I just hate so much living in a world without him in it. He is all that I want. He is all that I need. I just want to die and be with him forever. :weeping:
 
You sound exactly the way I feel Billie Jean. I remember back on November 18th 2003 I had spent almost that entire week crying almost non stop. When I had heard the horrible news about Michael. I was totally reliving the whole 93 nightmare all over again. And I remember the entire 93 nightmare like it happen yesterday. I should seeing I was 13 years old then. But on that August day when I had heard the news I was in my bed sick with a horrible cold when I had heard the horrible news. But when I had heard the news in November of 2003. I wasn't sick but on the 2nd Saturday in December of 2003 I literally made myself extremely sick. All over what was going on with Michael then. I was forced to spend rest of that Saturday in bed. I was that sick. And I was sick again with a horrible cold about a month or so before Michael was to be found 100% innocent. But this is like 10 times worst than I had felt back then. This horrible feeling and this horrible pain is never ever going to go away for me. This Thursday at 6:30 pm it is going to be exactly 8 months when I had heard the worst news in my entire life. And I still feel exactly the same way. And I thought back in December I was doing better. Because there was that 1 day I didn't cry over Michael at all. Maybe it was probably because I had felt too tired to cry over him. And there was a couple of days (Not together) in that month. Where I barely cried over him at all. But now I am back to how I was feeling during that horrible summer. I know it is never going to get any better for me. Not when every single thing that I read, see, hear, and do reminds me of Michael in some way. And every single time I see or hear a certain past date before June 25th. My brain automatically makes me think how much longer I was going to have my Michael. And it just makes me cry over him all over again. I so wish I had kept my suicide promise that I had made back in December of 95. When Michael was really sick in the hospital. Because if I had I would be dead now. And I will not be going through this constant torturous hell now. I really am just so very sick and tired living in a world without my Michael in it. All I want now is to be forever with him. And just be really genuinely happy again. Instead of always being sad, miserable, tired, sick, and depressed.
 
^ I know, Jenn. Let me tell you when the 2nd allegations came out. It was reliving 1993 all over again for me too. It was so horrible back then. And I was also sick and I cried almost non-stop for months. Cause I just couldn't believe this was happening again. Michael would never ever hurt a child why can't these horrible people see that. Seeing Michael in handcuffs really did hurt. But what really broke my heart was when I saw that huge horrible bruise on Michael's arm. I was so angry and upset at the people that hurt my beloved Michael. I am crying now just thinking about that. That they would hurt someone like Michael. Who is nothing but a true angel. He lived a tortured life since he was a child. I pray to God that he finally has found the peace he deserves. This is truly devastating.

Words just cannot express the emotions I am feeling at this time. I honestly don't know how much more of this depression and sadness I can take. I'm starting to feel like people around me are slowly backing away from the "I'm so sorry he passed away" stance. I may act like I'm less depressed, but deep down, I feel just as terrible as I've been the entire time. I'm crying so hard right now. Maybe I should just go to sleep because the pain is just too much right now.... :weeping:
 
It's so hard, Michael! I don't know whether it is going to be better someday. How can it be better if we all know that you won't come back! I cry everyday, and I cannot do anything about it. Sorry, my sweetheart! :weeping:
 
*Billie Jean* said:
^ I know, Jenn. Let me tell you when the 2nd allegations came out. It was reliving 1993 all over again for me too. It was so horrible back then. And I was also sick and I cried almost non-stop for months. Cause I just couldn't believe this was happening again. Michael would never ever hurt a child why can't these horrible people see that. Seeing Michael in handcuffs really did hurt. But what really broke my heart was when I saw that huge horrible bruise on Michael's arm. I was so angry and upset at the people that hurt my beloved Michael. I am crying now just thinking about that. That they would hurt someone like Michael. Who is nothing but a true angel. He lived a tortured life since he was a child. I pray to God that he finally has found the peace he deserves. This is truly devastating.

Words just cannot express the emotions I am feeling at this time. I honestly don't know how much more of this depression and sadness I can take. I'm starting to feel like people around me are slowly backing away from the "I'm so sorry he passed away" stance. I may act like I'm less depressed, but deep down, I feel just as terrible as I've been the entire time. I'm crying so hard right now. Maybe I should just go to sleep because the pain is just too much right now.... :weeping:
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I feel the same way Billie Jean. Seeing Michael in handcuffs and then seeing that horrible huge bruise on Michael's arm just totally broke my heart. And it really made me angry that they would do that to someone like Michael. Who has always been a 100% true angel. I just hope that God gives them the ultimate punishment that they so badly deserve. For hurting our dear sweet Michael over the years. I really do hope that. Especially since I have gone back to believing in God and Jesus again.
 
MJsBollywoodGirl7 said:
I feel the same way Billie Jean. Seeing Michael in handcuffs and then seeing that horrible huge bruise on Michael's arm just totally broke my heart. And it really made me angry that they would do that to someone like Michael. Who has always been a 100% true angel. I just hope that God gives them the ultimate punishment that they so badly deserve. For hurting our dear sweet Michael over the years. I really do hope that. Especially since I have gone back to believing in God and Jesus again.
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Yes, I feel the same way. I remember being in tears when I watched "60 Minutes" interview and Michael saying how they locked him in the bathroom, etc.. I was just crying.. you could see the pain in his eyes. His eyes looked like he wasn't quite there, like he was in pain. It is was just so heartbreaking to see my poor Michael in pain. I so wanted to hurt the people that hurt my beloved sweet angel. :cry: I am like a real emotional mess right now just thinking about that. I just want him back so very badly. The world is different now.......and it will never be the same again. :weeping:
 
I really thought I was doing better until recently. I've stopped playing Michael's music, I can't watch any videos of him, and I just feel very, very sad every single day. I was talking to a very dear friend the other day who is also a huge MJ fan and I found I had trouble containing myself when talking about Michael. I was ready to burst out in tears. For some reason it seems to be getting harder for me. The first few months after Michael passed I was so busy comforting others and being angry about it all....and now it's just....I don't know.

To know that all Michael wanted was to bring love and try to heal the world through his music, through his fame, yet all people gave back to him was prejudice, ignorance and greed. All Michael wanted was to be loved, for who he was and for what he did. And the world hurt him, time after time. Michael was lonely. But his fans, we loved him, so much, in so many ways. Yet I don't think it was enough. I want Michael to come back :cry:
 
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*Billie Jean* said:
Yes, I feel the same way. I remember being in tears when I watched "60 Minutes" interview and Michael saying how they locked him in the bathroom, etc.. I was just crying.. you could see the pain in his eyes. His eyes looked like he wasn't quite there, like he was in pain. It is was just so heartbreaking to see my poor Michael in pain. I so wanted to hurt the people that hurt my beloved sweet angel. :cry: I am like a real emotional mess right now just thinking about that. I just want him back so very badly. The world is different now.......and it will never be the same again. :weeping:
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I so agree with you. As upset as I was when I saw that horrible bruise. I was also boiling with anger that they would hurt my Michael like that. I so badly wanted to go to California and really hurt the people that did that to him. But most of all I had wanted to hurt Tom Sneddon. For doing this to Michael again. But since I couldn't hurt him personally. I took my anger out on a picture of him. By drawing a picture of him behind bars. And I also did this old wild west style wanted poster of him and Diane Diamond. The 2 of the people that had hurt Michael the most. I still have those pictures that I did of them in my photo bucket account. But believe me they totally deserve it for what they had done to our beloved Michael. And I so totally agree with you the world really is just so different without Michael in it now. You know I have such a huge love for old Hollywood movies. And I often wonder before this ever happen to Michael. Of how different the world was back then. Long before Michael was ever born and became really famous. In a way I know what it was like back then. Except that I had live during his time and I am very grateful for that. But it really is such a very sad and very empty world now with out him in it. I just so badly want him back now. And I would give anything in this entire world to have him back. :cry: Especially to see a new picture of Michael's zillion dollar smile. And it just really, really hurts knowing. That I am never ever going to see any new pictures of Michael's gorgeously beautiful smile. That could light up the entire universe. :weeping: :boohoo:
 
*Billie Jean* said:
^ I know, Jenn. Let me tell you when the 2nd allegations came out. It was reliving 1993 all over again for me too. It was so horrible back then. And I was also sick and I cried almost non-stop for months. Cause I just couldn't believe this was happening again. Michael would never ever hurt a child why can't these horrible people see that. Seeing Michael in handcuffs really did hurt. But what really broke my heart was when I saw that huge horrible bruise on Michael's arm. I was so angry and upset at the people that hurt my beloved Michael. I am crying now just thinking about that. That they would hurt someone like Michael. Who is nothing but a true angel. He lived a tortured life since he was a child. I pray to God that he finally has found the peace he deserves. This is truly devastating.
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*hugs BillieJean* *hugs everyone* :cry:
that bruise on his arm.. I'll never forget :cry: The way Michael showed and talked about bruise and locked in dirty toilet to the interviewer broke my heart to pcs too. I cant believe they treated Michael like this. I still cant. I always avoid that interview. I cant bear to watch his sad looking face and voice. It just wasnt him.The media, the police, ppl who betrayed him made him like this.. and I really hate them !In the 80s, they treated Michael quite good really and after one allegation, they treated Michael like that :cry: It wasnt fair !! Why cant they treat Michael better ?? Why ? Michael poured so much heart and soul to the world with music and charities and those cruel things were what they returned him.I always watch Michael's 70s and 80s interviews because I could see Michael was at least happier :weeping: I hope we could go back time and bring Michael alive and make him more happier..give him all he needed.. a better childhood. Avoid all the bad events and he could have a better life.. :cry:

Now Michael, you are at the most beautiful place ever.. we all miss you dearly..
One day, we'll all come and see you and I cant wait for this day to come to reunite with you and my love one
 
MJsBollywoodGirl7 said:
I just so badly want him back now. And I would give anything in this entire world to have him back. :cry: Especially to see a new picture of Michael's zillion dollar smile. And it just really, really hurts knowing. That I am never ever going to see any new pictures of Michael's gorgeously beautiful smile. That could light up the entire universe. :weeping: :boohoo:
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I feel the same. That is one of the things about Michael that kills me. That and that wonderful laugh of his. I am crying now just thinking about that smile and his laugh. :cry:

I am feeling awful today..I can't believe it's been 8 months, the days drag on and on and I've lost all concept of time and it's been the worse 8 months of my entire life. I feel like time stopped. I can barely recall what I did for the past 8 months because I can't believe it has been that long. It all seems like a blur. My life stopped on June 25th, 2009. But one thing I know for sure is that...my tears have not stopped falling..... The pain grows deeper inside me. I feel like I can't go on.. :weeping:

smile4mj said:
*hugs BillieJean* *hugs everyone* :cry:
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Thank you. :hug:
 
This may sound morbid, but everyday that comes bring us closer to seeing Michael again (in Heaven!!!). So everynight, I keep that thought and it comforts me. Because I know that each day is one day nearer to him...
 
*Billie Jean* said:
I feel the same. That is one of the things about Michael that kills me. That and that wonderful laugh of his. I am crying now just thinking about that smile and his laugh. :cry:

I am feeling awful today..I can't believe it's been 8 months, the days drag on and on and I've lost all concept of time and it's been the worse 8 months of my entire life. I feel like time stopped. I can barely recall what I did for the past 8 months because I can't believe it has been that long. It all seems like a blur. My life stopped on June 25th, 2009. But one thing I know for sure is that...my tears have not stopped falling..... The pain grows deeper inside me. I feel like I can't go on.. :weeping:



Thank you. :hug:
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I feel the exact same way Billie Jean. I can only remember very little during these past horrible months. During that first horrible month I had spent most of it in my MJ room in bed. Mostly sleeping because I just didn't want to think about where he was when I was awake. I was so thankful that I had my laptop. In my bed with me so I could still be in my MJ sites and not have to leave my bed. I even practically starved myself during that first horrible month. Because I barely ate anything. I probably lost over 30 or 40 pounds during that month alone. Because eating was the very last thing in the world I had wanted to do. Of course I had hated that July month not because Michael's Memorial Service was in that month. 2 days before the date of the memorial. It was my brother's 32nd birthday and I was forced to celebrate it. When I was in no celebrating mood at all. Especially knowing what was going to be happening in 2 days. All I wanted to do is be in my room in my bed sleeping. Then on that weekend I had to go to my brother's house to celebrate my older nephew's 3rd birthday. I just couldn't wait to get home and back in to my bed. Where I had wanted to be. That 1 week in July was really rough for me. So has the rest of these past horrible days. Thank god I don't remember most of them. And my tears still constantly flow for him a few times a so every day since that horrible day.
 
^ I know exactly how you feel, Jenn! :hug:

I've reached a point just now where I don't care for my pain, anguish...... etc. I just care for Michael and his peace. My chest hurts with grief and love. I've never felt this desperate ever. But I will let myself hurt. I don't care any longer.

I am extremely sad right now. It just hit me again... he's gone. The love of my life. And now I can't stop crying. I miss him so much, my heart is aching. I just keep listening to Speechless over and over and I can't stop.. :weeping:

I love you Michael, more than anyone can ever imagine and more than words can say...
 
*Billie Jean* said:
This may sound morbid, but everyday that comes bring us closer to seeing Michael again (in Heaven!!!). So everynight, I keep that thought and it comforts me. Because I know that each day is one day nearer to him...
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Oh I know what you mean with this thought. These past few nights since getting my TII dvd I havent been able to have dry eyes at all.:(
I have been crying so much that my eyes are stinging and my head is throbbing, and I regret so very very much not having seen Michael perform live in concert, for which I have no excuse at all since I am old enough to have seen him several times over:(

I dont mean to sound morbid either as I have supposedly so much to live for, but I also found myself thinking just a few mins ago that at least I take comfort from the fact that I will see him one day.............:wub::wub::wub:
 
Three of us saw some of your possessions for the last time Michael. Looking around the exhibition seeing you singing, dancing, feeling the music as it pulsed through your body made me feel even more detached from myself inside :( Will I ever be the same? No is the short answer. I miss you so much each and everyday michael thst I sometimes make myself disorientated with it all. I just wish I could've reached out and touch it. Whist standing infront of your HIStory outfit I closed my eyes and could hear the roar of the crowd at Wembley as clear as day in my mind :'(

The pain is not getting easier but I am finding it easier to cope with that pain. You bring me so much joy looking at that smile on your face.

*sigh* :cry:
 
*Billie Jean* said:
I feel like this is some effed up bubble we are all living in and I can't envisage ANYTHING in the long-term. Like I can't imagine a time when I will wake up and won't immediately think of Michael. Or how about in a year's time? Or even worse, in 10 years, knowing we've been without him for so long. I just feel like I'm stuck here, in this vile moment when everything seems so vacuous and empty, and I'm never going to move on from it. Like I've said lots of times already, I don't want to get to a point where I 'come to terms with it' or that time 'heals' these raw feelings because I just refuse to accept that what has happened can be moved on from (for me at least).

I can't understand everything. I keep thinking 'this time X months ago' and right now to imagine that 7 months ago I was more excited and positive than I've ever been in my life, planning my banner and clothes and hotel and everything for seeing him, and in such a short amount of time since then I've taken in this news, flown to LA and watched them wheel the love of my life away from me in a casket and flown home to try to take in everything I witnessed there and deal with the news back in the 'normal' world (and then all the sh!t that has happened while/because I've tried to deal with this mess!), well it's just so messed up I just feel like I'm floating along in some wierd twilight zone. How can THIS be the reality now? I can't figure it out, and I don't know how to begin dealing with it.

Sorry for crapping on and on and on, I'm just having a wierd night thinking things over and over and driving myself crazy. I can't believe how much I miss him. I love him so much it hurts ... :weeping:
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Billie, oh Billie.......
I feel exactly the same way, 8 months ago, I was THE happiest, most positive person in the WORLD and excited to the point of having a fit. I was actually preparing my concert outfit when the nightmare began to unfold...
Right now it feels so surreal, I tried to deny this and pushed it all into my subconcious mind for about 2-3 months....I've avoided this forum, haven't watched Michael or listened to his music although I think about him every single day. I was trying to escape, trying to cope, deny it and be NORMAL. I tiried to numb eveything out. I didnt want anyone to talk to me about him, I didnt want to discuss or see him on TV when others were around. I became very defensive and recluisve and tried to deny EVERYTHING. But the lid has lifted, and again I can feel the reality...the incredible gaping hole, his terrible absence. I just feel that life, and everything is empty without him, useless and pointless, like you've said in your post above. How to understand and move on from this? How to believe in GOODNESS, TRUTH and LOVE, when there is PAIN, UNEXPLAINED SUFFERING and INJUSTICE everywhere??
I can't believe you went to LA for the memorial, I feel your pain when you say that you watched them 'wheel him away'.... :weeping: I'm so speechless and lost right now....
 
Beccabubbles said:
I just cant deal with this.
Its too much.
:boohoo:
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Im sorry you're hurting, I feel useless right now too. It's like the reality is staring me in the face, and I've tried hard to escape from it for months but it's impossible. There's a big, huge absence from existence, it's awful and endless it seems...sorry, I'm not helping am I? :better: sending you my love :heart:
 
Michael Jackson Moonwalk said:
Billie, oh Billie.......
I feel exactly the same way, 8 months ago, I was THE happiest, most positive person in the WORLD and excited to the point of having a fit. I was actually preparing my concert outfit when the nightmare began to unfold...
Right now it feels so surreal, I tried to deny this and pushed it all into my subconcious mind for about 2-3 months....I've avoided this forum, haven't watched Michael or listened to his music although I think about him every single day. I was trying to escape, trying to cope, deny it and be NORMAL. I tiried to numb eveything out. I didnt want anyone to talk to me about him, I didnt want to discuss or see him on TV when others were around. I became very defensive and recluisve and tried to deny EVERYTHING. But the lid has lifted, and again I can feel the reality...the incredible gaping hole, his terrible absence. I just feel that life, and everything is empty without him, useless and pointless, like you've said in your post above. How to understand and move on from this? How to believe in GOODNESS, TRUTH and LOVE, when there is PAIN, UNEXPLAINED SUFFERING and INJUSTICE everywhere??
I can't believe you went to LA for the memorial, I feel your pain when you say that you watched them 'wheel him away'.... :weeping: I'm so speechless and lost right now....
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I know how you feel. :hug:Today was pretty horrible. I bought a Michael book in town and as I was flicking through the photos I just broke down again. I hate this so so so much. Most of the time I don't accept it at all, and I think thats probably the reason for parts of the day I can go around normally.. I simply just don't believe it and think that Michael is just being Michael- a recluse who we wont see for months and then he'll just appear randomly like he always did. :depressed: I can't bare to look at footage or photos because it just keeps making me realise he's not here anymore. I don't ever wanna realise it. I wanna stay in this denial forever. I feel it's easier that way.
 
I love you far more than words can ever say.
I think about you everyday.
When I wake you are the first thing on my mind
Before I sleep I whisper your name.
What can we do without you?
I feel I am going insane.

I want to be rational I want to think clear
Truth is I miss you, and have almost run out of tears

Where can I run to?
Where can I hide?
My soul wont give me rest until I have u by my side.
This might never be so I have to accept
And spend the rest of my days giving you my best

Sweet and precious Michael I will do all I can to uphold your legacy and love people how you taught me...........
even though they hurt me

:yes:

 
*Billie Jean* said:
I miss you, my love.

I miss your crazy shopping outfits.

I miss random sightings of you.

I miss everything.

:weeping:
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Me too.:(
why does it have to be this way?
Miss him more than words can say.
Michael Joseph Jackson you have affected me so so so so much.........:doh:
But I wouldnt change a thing in how you have affected me even though it hurts like crazy crazy.
Sometimes I even envy people who are not affected by ur passing...........but then very quickly say to myself NO!!!
I wouldnt want to be indifferent.................I feel this way for a reason.........
I dont know why but I am so glad that Mike has affected me.............I love that man so so damn much.:(:):(:):no::yes::no::yes::doh:

Would rather love and miss MJ than not be bothered! Get me?:wub::wub::wub::wub::wub::wub::wub::wub::doh:
 
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Everyday I miss you so much more....

Everyday I miss you so much more,
As this loneliness pushes me onto the cold floor.
Days and nights are endlessly dark and bleak,
For without you my heart cannot even beat.

I can feel it crying out your name,
The separation just adding to the pain.
As my heart cries out for this curse to end,
The darkness overwhelms me and forces its hand.

As each breath becomes listless and slow,
I think back to the good times I know.
For every cherished memory keeps me sane,
Riding along a line of faith where the end is not the same.

Though dreams and thoughts are filled with you,
I have no regrets that this dream will never come true.
For deep down I know that no one can ever take your place,
You've made a mark in my heart that only shows your face.

You are integrity and humor that reigns,
The story of truth of love without pains.
You are the essence that breathes what each heart yearns so true,
You are what whispers sadness that now withdrew.

You are an enchantment and the enrichment of the soul,
From which inspiration emanates whole.
You are what makes dreams seem so real,
Providing the strength to continue where treasures now reveal.

Without you I am but a bleak set of stones,
No feeling nor hope - a carcass of bones.
Without you I am but a broken path in search of your divine light,
But you are the one who's destiny shall rewrite and shine forever as stars so bright.
 
Billie_Jean09 said:
Me too.:(
why does it have to be this way?
Miss him more than words can say.
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I wish I knew the answer. There are no words to describe how much I miss him. Every time I think things are looking up - I just seem to get slammed back down again. I'm exausted. Maybe someday it will get better and stay there - but not today. :depressed:
 
It's all for L.O.V.E!
I miss you Angel Michael.
 
*Billie Jean* said:
I don't ever wanna realise it. I wanna stay in this denial forever. I feel it's easier that way.
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It is easy for me too. I dont even want to face the reality of Michael's death. I have even avoided to post or read threads here. I've been posting madly these few days in the Pic section. And today I'm here again. I had tears flowing silently last night when listening Michael's E.T story. His words really melted and touched my soul.. I really miss him and his beautiful soul. I really really love him too like you do Billie but I know that you have suffered more :huggy: I do hope one day, you'll feel better.
 
Michael, you should know I love you so much than you ever ever know.. :( :heart: Love you forever and ever !
 
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