Healer
Proud Member
All through my life I have sought to be there for people, its always been my lifes purpose, and if I am honest one of the reasons I was brought into this World.
Have always tried to or attempted to save people or been there for them in their hour of need, always given a shoulder to cry on, basically given them everything save the shirt on my goddamn back.
This past year for me has been of many knocks and jolts some of which have seeped over from last year but still as a Survivor I plunder forth and make light of my own shortcomings.
With a number of things that have gone on I have proven I can deal with shit but slowly but surely I can feel that my armour that I have gone so long to keep around me so no one can get in has slowly but severely deterioated.
A few years back I thought about what I would do if I ever got to THAT point and then realised how I have a Flat full of things I have collected, Family Heirlooms, My Journals and stuff that wouldnt have a rightfully justified home to go to if the worst happened to me.
I just sometimes want to go to sleep just sleep like Snow White and sleep forever, I know people will say "oh you should see your doctor" or "get some counselling" or "do you have any family you can talk to" or "this" or "that" or "the ****** other" bottom line is I have allowed myself to only let people in, if they're lucky one step at a time and then like a venus flytrap if people get too close I snap myslef shut.
In 2007 through to 2008 I was living in false hope over something and then from 2008 to a few months ba k the same thing and it was nice living like that because it was all Fantasy it was all a World of make believe when my fiancee would have come back to me or my Best Friend would have not given me the cold shoulder and acted upon her intentions.
At least with that I had emails I could read again and again, but now I am catapaulted into the real world where like with Fantasy there are consequences. Theres something I already kone about myself which I have kept quiet and only told two people, I know that if I dont sort this out then it could get worse but I already know the ramifications of this and is something I fully accept and take into full consideration.
No one else can make me happy I am the only one that can do that for myself but **** that I am done. Done with trying. Maybe in time I will ookk back at what I have said and thought all through lif and realised what a fool I have been.
Lately I have been thinking this way again and this time the need is far much greater. I look at what I have done with my life, those who I have helped and I cant keep this urge stifled for much longer I dont at the age of 33 have a will written out but I do have a burial spot which has been reserved next to my Mum and at times, thats all I want is my Mum back. For her to hold me one more time and tell me everythings going to be okay that she will kiss away the hurt all I want is to be with her now no one can protect me, no one.
Have always tried to or attempted to save people or been there for them in their hour of need, always given a shoulder to cry on, basically given them everything save the shirt on my goddamn back.
This past year for me has been of many knocks and jolts some of which have seeped over from last year but still as a Survivor I plunder forth and make light of my own shortcomings.
With a number of things that have gone on I have proven I can deal with shit but slowly but surely I can feel that my armour that I have gone so long to keep around me so no one can get in has slowly but severely deterioated.
A few years back I thought about what I would do if I ever got to THAT point and then realised how I have a Flat full of things I have collected, Family Heirlooms, My Journals and stuff that wouldnt have a rightfully justified home to go to if the worst happened to me.
I just sometimes want to go to sleep just sleep like Snow White and sleep forever, I know people will say "oh you should see your doctor" or "get some counselling" or "do you have any family you can talk to" or "this" or "that" or "the ****** other" bottom line is I have allowed myself to only let people in, if they're lucky one step at a time and then like a venus flytrap if people get too close I snap myslef shut.
In 2007 through to 2008 I was living in false hope over something and then from 2008 to a few months ba k the same thing and it was nice living like that because it was all Fantasy it was all a World of make believe when my fiancee would have come back to me or my Best Friend would have not given me the cold shoulder and acted upon her intentions.
At least with that I had emails I could read again and again, but now I am catapaulted into the real world where like with Fantasy there are consequences. Theres something I already kone about myself which I have kept quiet and only told two people, I know that if I dont sort this out then it could get worse but I already know the ramifications of this and is something I fully accept and take into full consideration.
No one else can make me happy I am the only one that can do that for myself but **** that I am done. Done with trying. Maybe in time I will ookk back at what I have said and thought all through lif and realised what a fool I have been.
Lately I have been thinking this way again and this time the need is far much greater. I look at what I have done with my life, those who I have helped and I cant keep this urge stifled for much longer I dont at the age of 33 have a will written out but I do have a burial spot which has been reserved next to my Mum and at times, thats all I want is my Mum back. For her to hold me one more time and tell me everythings going to be okay that she will kiss away the hurt all I want is to be with her now no one can protect me, no one.
