Dearest Michael,
Today, the world is once again a lifeless place. It feels as if I've lost you all over again, even though the loss is technically not mine. It's just like June 25th...the numbness, the paralysis, the subsequent tears. What I cannot get out of my mind, no matter how hard I try, is how painful a loss this must be for him. He's lost his mother. Although I've never had a good relationship with my mother, I know he did, and I can only imagine how he must be feeling at the moment. All the questions, all the 'should-haves', the lost time, the final goodbyes. Perhaps he didn't get to say goodbye to her at all, like I didn't get to say goodbye to you. I remember how haunting that was for me, and can only imagine how painful it must be for him now, especially since he's lost someone so dear to him.
He goes on, still. It's an admirable show, but an unnecessary and potentially harmful one. He should take the time to properly mourn the loss instead of forcing himself to go on with life--part of it is the culture and what society expects of us even in adverse circumstances, but...that damages the process a lot. I wish he would take at least a week off, to sort things out in his mind, to come to terms with things, at least in the technicality of them. I know loss only from a secondary degree--that one being losing you, a person who was very dear to me, but with whom I had no personal relation. I know I still haven't fully come to terms with losing you, so I do not expect him to come to terms with the impact or reality of things any time soon, if ever. Loss changes circumstance, and I know this all too well. I only wish there was something I could personally do to help him, but given where I'm at in his life, my ability to make things better is completely limited.
All this has really reminded me of that which I struggled for far too long to really accept...that things are mortal, that everything dies at some point in time, that there is no eternity. No eternity. No miracles. No going back. There is only one's loss, and the time after that...which will forever bear the mark of the events, which will always have that hole which, once upon a time, a loved one used to fill.
All I had wanted was to grant him the miracle of keeping her alive. Eternity. I know it was an unrealistic wish. I knew it from the very beginning, that it was practically impossible. No one is eternal. Facts alone do not halt the heart, though. The problem is, who do we blame? Is there even anyone to blame? There is no god who controls things, there is no culprit. There is only the event, and our reaction to it. I thought you would live forever, in my naïveté...I actually thought I would die before you. Likewise, I thought that this could not happen to him, because I willed it so...because I didn't want him to suffer. A plead, a bargain, some sort of hopeless prayer...to keep her alive. But, now that it's come to pass, all of it was completely in vain, because there are no such things as miracles.
I know what I wrote above probably makes absolutely no sense at all, but at the very least, it is an accurate picture of the muddled state my mind is presently in. If life goes on, Michael, if there is more to life than what we currently know...please, tell her for me that her son is a good person, and that he truly loved her. That is evident enough to me.
There is nothing else to say, except that I love you with all my heart, Michael, and that I miss you every day. I still feel all the sorrow that <i>your</i> passing brought about...I feel it within me all the time. But, I also feel his sorrow, as if it were my own. I'm an idiot for even typing all of this, but, that's how I feel at present.
~Mikage Souji
I just can't without you. it hurts so much right now..
