Ben;3532941 said:
I havent been diagnosed anything because I havent seen anybody, even if I think my GP suspects something. But again, he told me I should be a study case for med students as an HSP. lol I have anxiety attacks, stress related migraines, and my brain has lost all interest in food. I also have lost all interest in the people around me, and I have severed basically all ties with them; pretty much everybody I talk to is under 9 or online. I have this physical feeling of removing a grinning mask when I go home from work. I cry all the time, and cant bear to look at any footage of Michael.
I'm old, Gandalf. I know I don't look it, but I'm beginning to feel it in my heart. I feel thin - sort of stretched, like butter scraped over too much bread. I need a holiday - a very long holiday - and I don't expect I shall return. In fact, I mean not to - Bilbo Baggins
Sorta like this?
Unfortunately, i know quite well what you mean about the mask thing. At the same time, i totally get what MJJ7777 is also saying about social interaction.By sheer circumstance some of us cannot isolate ourselves from others – in between work, family and other commitments we are simply forced to try and disguise our inner turmoil so those around us don't have to be exposed to the full extent of our pain. At times it becomes obvious for everyone that somethin' ain't quite well, but you don't wanna bother and bring everyone else down with your issues, especially if it's related to things you can't really talk about to anybody, like in my case.
MJJ7777;3597311 said:
I suffer from panic attacks although I haven't experienced a major one since 3 years ago, I've learned how to handle them a bit better. I guess that is until the next random attack ,which usually happens when things get too quiet, so I try to keep busy bc those attacks are the most horrific 10 mins of your life if you've ever experienced them. :no:Before I went to college I may have been living in the biggest fantasy world one could ever think of partly because I was sheltered and suddenly exposed to the Real World which has been a shock to my system and in addition to MJ's death, and I can't believe I'm saying this but the more I learn, the worse my depression gets and I wasn't always like this...Don't know when it'll change but I just have to keep smiling even though I don't feel like it 99% of the time, simply out of respect for the people around me and those I interact with on a daily basis. Unfortunately Social Interaction is a major part of life. Sometimes I wished I studied theatre because like many of you, I feel like everyday is a fake act of happiness.
Either way I try to be thankful for what I have,enjoy every moment and most importantly speak to God every chance I get. Doing this makes me feel like I'm not alone with the anxieties I'll face throughout the day.
That last paragraph is quite healthy an attitude to have and i congratulate you for it. Keeping the convesation with God going is the most important thing you can do. I believe it is my saving grace. Although i may not go to church that often (lately i've done it even more seldomly) or read the Bible every day or get down on my knees all the time,
my conversation with Jesus is permanent and on going, no matter where i am or whatever else i might be doing.
At times i simply tell Him how much i love Him, other times i'm overwhelmed by His creation and His genius in designing so much beauty and tenderness all around us, other times i laugh at His sense of humor about so many coincidences and....like in any true love affair (this being THE most important of my life) at times the tone of the talk gets very dark and i cannot help but ask Him '
where are Youuu? Why do You let them do this to me?'
By them i mean both the spiritual entities that seek to devour hope out of my soul and the people the enemy uses to try and shatter my faith – in people, life and love. And i know His answer is 'I'm right here with you' and i hope one day i'll understand the purpose of all this pain, but in the middle of the storm it's extremely difficult to see and feel anything else other than my own agony. Many times i can't help but feel like this
(c)
where due
I know that no matter what people will say or do or won't (cause at times omission hurts more than malice),
nothing and no one will ever crush my faith in God and my love for Him. My faith in people and my hope for the future can reach minimal proportions at times, but my faith in and my love for the Lord are only growing stronger. In theory they should go hand in hand cause i can't claim to love God and hate His people, but evil has some really terrifyingly sharp tools that can mess around with the mind the spirit. Thankfully, there are events and people that help restore my faith in human decency and kindness.
As silly as the comparison may seem i guess life, same as love, is one big yo yo game with all the inherent ups and downs. The point is to hold on to dear life of that line and never give up, even if the line is controlled by external 'hands'.
There may actually be another 'game' at work - the one with ropes where two teams try to take each other beyond a certain line, the one that separates life from death and heaven from hell and in the fight between those two 'teams' human beings are caught right down in the middle and each life and soul is the stake of each little game, while the salvation of the world and the whole of mankind is the prize of the final. Okay, so that sounded a bit more apocalyptic than it was meant to be, but y'all get the point....
Michael has been mentioned by some of you and how you can't stand to watch footage of him. I haven't had a problem with that, not even on June 26[SUP]th[/SUP] 2009 to my own surprise, but more than a few of his lyrics are extremely painful to me. Some may relate and identify themselves with many songs of his, but the one song that i feel the closest to is
Little Susie, most especially the one line '
how much can one bear neglecting the needs in her prayers?'
[video=youtube;0Agav3xvGYk]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0Agav3xvGYk[/video] Some may be quick to judge and think they know what i mean by needs, but they only know part of the story.
MY greatest need and i think that of most human beings, is
the certainty that i am not alone – we all need to KNOW (not think or believe, but to know for sure) there is someone who truly cares about us (not about who we are or what we do) but for us, the complete human being – body, mind and soul with all its good and bad sides.
You are ready and willing to give up anything else only to know that there is someone other than God (in the case of believers), one soul out there who can understand what you are going through and who will be there for you no matter how tough life may get and no matter how cold the world can be. For a long time last autumn the following picture was the wallpaper on my comp at home. At work i can't afford to have this kind of stuff, for reasons explained above.
Walking alone from Patrice and
Dream on from Aerosmith (for that one line 'maybe tomorrow the Good Lord will take you away') were my playlist that i had on repeat. I have of course changed both images and playlists in the meantime, enjoying some truly magical and wonderful moments of communion and very special communication, but i'm telling you all this so you can see that i get
some of the things most of you here are going through.
Of course we all have different circumstances and i am convinced
nobody's life is an easy ride. There isn't one human being who has not gone through some kind of sorrow – for some it starts really early during childhood (anything from lack of basic things such as food, sanitation, education, responsible, loving parents to all kinds of physical abuse), for others it's an adolescence made of a sense of inadequacy and awkwardness, for others still the pain can be triggered by the sudden loss of a loved one or the realization they are not pursuing their dreams, but are living a lie, slaves to social convention and the expectations of those around them instead of following their own path or aspiration.
Heartbreak and pain are unfortunately ingredients that come with the recipe of life and human experience. For some they are the major components, for others thankfully they are rare episodes. But no matter the intensity, the length or the nature of our pain, we must all strive to make it less so the other part of the adventure - the bright one made of joy, hope and love can be strong enough to fight back the darkness.
Christ never promised us a life free of pain, but He said He would be with us all the way. I know not everyone here is a believer and i don't mean to impose my beliefs on anyone else. Although it may not be obvious, i try to see these issues and others beyond my own Christian lens.
I do get so broken hearted when i read things like this, no matter who says them - believer or not.
Butterflies01;3599508 said:
Well, sometimes I have suicidal thoughts.... I also cut myself sometimes so I think I do suffer from depression..
I'm truly terribly sorry to hear that young man. You are such an young, beautiful soul. You really shouldn't be going through such things. I don't know the details of your situation, but let me reassure that
you have my support and my prayers are with you. I know very well how horrible things can get and how dark life can seem, but
please, whatever you do, PLEASE DON'T GIVE UP.
When there's hurt, empty words are not enough – that's another line from one of Michael's songs that i relate to very much. I know it doesn't help much if anybody else tells you "I've been where you are, but it will pass".
Bland positivism, easy psychology, shallow and immature spirituality are not my cup of tea. I won't lie to you and say things will get better if only you will hang on just a little more. Nope, life will smack you and push you and shuv you. People will treat you unkindly even if you've done them no wrong. You will ask yourself more than once – 'what have I done to deserve any of this?' and deep within your soul the haunting answer will be nothing, or nothing that serious to grant all this pain and that will make it all seem even more unbearable.
BUT in spite of all of that,
you MUST keep going and fight. And also you mustn't do it for anyone else but yourself. If you believe in God, do it for Him, if not, do it for your own sake and your own future. In spite of current problems and all others that will come your way, i bet you also have a life made of some lovely opportunities ahead of you if you defy your pain and stand up to it.
There IS hope, no matter how small.....please believe that 
[video=youtube;-i3cDFi6Z4k]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-i3cDFi6Z4k[/video]
I know you're hurting and I know you're blue,
But don't let the pain get to you
Much love to everyone here and those beyond who are suffering in any way - in body, mind or soul. I know very well that at times the inner struggle is far more dangerous than any physical pain.
To all of you i got this to say - no matter what kind of suffering you are going through,
STAY STRONG.
You are stronger than your pain and you can defeat it.
*hugs*
