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Thinking about suicide...

Chanya, promise me you will hold on.
We all understand your pain and we will get through this together.
I’ve been through quite a lot lately, family and friendship issues plus Michael’s death….. I understand all the bad things happened together can make you feel like losing very last hope in your life. But believe me, things will always turn better.
I cried very often in the past few months. When I felt really bad, it was like someone punching me - my heart ached so badly. I couldn’t talk to anyone due to various reasons…so I wrote diary and it helps a lot. I couldn’t stop crying when I wrote my feelings. But when you have finished that, you will feel so much better.
I felt like all the gloom inside of me slowly went away. Writing something really helps a lot. But of course if you have someone talk to it would be so much better.
sorry english is not my first language, i hope you understand what i said.
PM me whenever you want, I will be happy to talk to you. :)
 
I'm sorry you feel like this. I know what you mean though. I haven't thought about actually committing suicide but I have thought it'd be a whole lot easier to just not be here.

I'm glad no more bad tabloid articles are allowed on here because its that which gets to me most, the misconception of him.

We're too absorbed in whats goin on.. we need to take a step back and do/think about other things. Take some time away from the forum.. away from thinking too much about MJ, occupy yourself with other things. Look at the smiling faces of his children - that helps me. Don't subject yourself to the rubbish people say about him, surround yourself with the positive only. Organise something else to look forward to, I spent months looking forward to TII thats what was keeping me going through exams and uni work.

Last night I was trying to get to sleep and the opening notes to man in the mirror were in my head and i could see the brothers carrying in the casket, and Paris making her speech. I cried for his children. When your alone and quiet your mind starts wandering and I start thinking 'michael is actually gone..' it feels so strange, and I relive things like I did last night. Occupy yourself with other things, is the best I can say.

Take a step back, you don't want to end your life. You really don't.
 
Chanya, thank you for reaching out to us. I know it takes courage, but this way we know what's going through your mind and we can be here for you. You're not alone in this :better:

Often thoughts like these scare the heck out of people, because they never imagined they'd be thinking like that. Perhaps it's reassuring to you when I tell you that just about everyone has these thoughts at some point. Even if it's just for a second.
But you know what, you're a strong person, a beautiful woman with a whole life in front of you. Don't let your thoughts scare you. You've got the the strenght and the courage within you to fight for your life. Michael is right there in your heart to back you up, and so are we.
Aside from all the other good advices given here, I'd like to suggest you pick up a sport if possible. It may sound a bit technical, but being active helps the brain to release chemicals that give you a good feeling. Just a thought.
And if you feel like you need a hand to move forward, don't hesitate to go to your doctor and be referred to a counsellor. There's a bright light at the end of that tunnel, believe in yourself and you'll find it again. Go get 'm girl! :better:
 
Please don't do anything you'll regret, it's not worth it, I have felt the same once or twice, but then I think of my family and how much it would hurt them if I were to commit suicide
we are all here for you Chanya
feel free to PM me if you want to talk xx
 
Having depression, I've been suicidal many times over the years, so I know how you feel. It's easier to handle things like this by talking to people. I suggest talking to your doctor about it. They can offer help and advice and arrange for you to see someone like a therapist if that's what you want.
It's good to talk to people like doctors about personal problems because they are totally outside of the situation and they won't judge you. They are just there to help.
 
Sometimes when i´m sad I look at dancetributes for him on youtube.They dance on squares all over the world and didnt get money for it, they did it because they love his music and they love to dance and I believe some of them loved him too.
Bad things happens in the world but there are also lots of love.
Its dark now but it will be lighter one day and since Michael isnt here anymore and can´t try to make a better world, we have to help him in the future.
But first we need to heal ourselves.
 
Chanya said:
I don't want to scare anyone, but for the first time in my life the thought has become very real to me and I don't know what to do. I have tried reaching out to Victoria for a long time, but I got no response so I have to post it here. I am afraid to be alone with my thoughts. :( I am worried for what will happen. It's like I am facing this big, black wall that I can't get past and the only way to get around it is to end it all. :cry: The thought comes into my head too often now. I am worried. :(
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I just want to say from my heart I don't you personally but I love you Chanya and you will be ok

Baby girl let me tell you something: I came across your thread a few times didn’t really know what to say but darling I’m keep it so real here's my reality

I lost my mother when I was six years old to cancer didn’t know what cancer was but I knew my mother wasn’t going to hold me or even read me a book again. So I was raised by my siblings my father was in and out my life but finally when I was 16 he got his life together and starting being a father again. Before this I lost my brother he was killed in 1994 this change my life forever I couldn’t sleep or go outside I felt like life wasn’t worth living.

Then came the so called love of my life (on blast) his name is Rodney this poor of a excuse of a man ripped my heart apart now before meeting him through a friend of mines I was in a deep depression stuffing badly for anxiety I wanted to kill myself took paxcil to numb my pain I wanted to stab my self even blow my brains out. But I always prayed ask god to keep those demons away stop me from feeling so lonely.

Now back to loser Rodney this sorry ass dude did me so wrong brunt me with a STD that’s wasn’t enough for me thought this man would change he did when we got back together after three years well baby girl honey child let me tell you I recently found out on June 5, 2009 at 10pm on his myspace page I didn’t know anything about that Rodney married his baby mother the same chick who put him and his family thought mystery I broke down so badly cause he had ask me to be his wife depress all over again I start taking pills again not eating well just felt like I can’t take it any more I’m tried of hurting failed relationships, friends did me dirty i was just tired. One night the unthinking happen on the 24th of June I start writing my letter to god asking him what do I have to live for my little nephew knock on my door I was about to swallow my pills I drop the pills and open the door he gave me a hug and said I love you.

Now nothing matters to me any more but me and the loved I have from my family and close friends but not just them the relationship I have with god. just pray
 
Chanya,

Please don't kill yourself! Talk to a counselor, take up a sport, write about your thoughts, take walks outside when it is sunny and enjoy the beautiful hues of the leaves in autumn and the wonders of nature. There is still so much to live for. You are stronger than you know and we are all here for you, you can PM me anytime and I will always reply to you.
Lots of hugs!
 
I know exactly how you feel, it has gone through my mind once or twice but nobody want's that - especially Michael. I always feel better after reading this, it just tells me that Michael is there.

"In Our Darkest Hour
In My Deepest Despair
Will You Still Care?
Will You Be There?
In My Trials
And My Tripulations
Through Our Doubts
And Frustrations
In My Violence
In My Turbulence
Through My Fear
And My Confessions
In My Anguish And My Pain
Through My Joy And My Sorrow
In The Promise Of Another Tomorrow
I'll Never Let You Part
For You're Always In My Heart."

Just remember that Michaels there for you and always will be no matter what and at the end of it all Michael will be waiting for you, he ain't going anywhere. Feel free to PM me if you ever want to talk about anything. :angel::better:
 
Chanya, the amazing thing about this is you can overcome it.
whether its depression, someones death, suicidal thoughts.
each day you need to clear your head and not think so much of whats troubling you.
(it takes time) but you have to take control of your mind, not let your mind control you, not take everything so seriously.
your mind has a way of taking over and trying to tell you how you feel, what to think, but you can not let it make you weak, you have to take control and get strong. if you have a thought in your head thats making you sad you have to replace it with a better thought.

i been there..., and looking back i say to myself ''how was i ever in that spot, i dont feel that way anymore''
you have to find the things you love in life, frivolous things, big things.
dont lay around either.
i dont know what exactly is troubling you, but when i went through my depression what helped was thinking back to my childhood and how i had no problems and i was CAREFREE. i brought myself back down to that. that life is fun and i wanted to enjoy it and not leave this world. life doesnt always have to be serious and sad.
i know the emotional feeling that suicidal people go through and i know its an awful feeling, one of the worst in the world, but you can get yourself out of it. thats the amazing thing. you can't flow with it and give up, you need to take the time to get better and you WILL. thats what makes suicides so sad is the people could have gotten out of it.
i wish you the best, i do. everyone has issues, but we need to stay STRONG, like michael was.

music has helped me
support forums - reading what others were going through in my situation was like natural medicine to my eyes. and helped get me better. i knew i wasn't alone and they gave me tips to get better. for me personally it was an anxiety forum.
talking to a professional who can help with these situations, because family doesn't always know everything.
friends
online friends
group therapy
take it day by day.....and you will start to feel better. trust me.
 
Please Chanya, don't kill yourself, live on for Michael. If all of his fans are dead who is going to spread the word of this man's life to the future generations. Nice to know he meant so much to so many different people, but I dont think he would want anybody to kill themselves. Suicide is against GOD no matter what. Michael is my heart and I can understand how you feel. Michael loved life, music, dance, his family and first of all, all the children of the world.
I love him so much! And I am hoping every day, I call his name, I pray for him. Every night I cry so much. These feelings killing me inside... He is my life, my only hope and faith inside. He is my joy, my tears, my sorrow. He is my sun, my love... Just thinking of him made my heart skip a beat. He is my first and last love. It's hard to explain in words how I feel about him.
I cannot stop crying. My life is his life. I am so distraught. I also just want to die. But Im managing to hang on just a little more. Just for Michael. I dont want to live either. But I know that if I let myself go, it will only hurt my family, my friends, and also Michael. He wouldnt want anyone to die. He just wouldn't. And I dont even know what to say now. Please carry on. I'm praying for you... Take care!
 
Just like the others have said don't commit suicide. I remember back in late June I was ready to kill myself. It was a promise I had made to myself back in December of 95 when I was 15. I remember how extremely upset I was over what was going on with Michael then. And I told myself if something horrible should happen to Michael. I will kill myself because I absolutely refused to live in a world without him in it. Back in late June I was really ready to go through with it. Death didn't scare me at all. The reason why I am still here. Was because of the 2 things that has stopped me from killing myself. One was my religion in my religion I was told that you will go to hell if you commit suicide. And I certainly didn't want to go there. But what really stopped me the most was Michael. I realized Michael would not want his fans killing themselves over him. I know some already have. But I just couldn't kill myself because it will hurt Michael to know his fans are killing themselves over him. And I just love Michael way too much to want to hurt him like that. I still sometimes wish that I did commit suicide because of my pain is just so very hard to bear at times. But it is just the pain that still makes me wish that. But then that thought would just suddenly go away for me after looking at a picture of Michael. And remember why I had broke that promise I had made to myself.
 
Hang in there, please!!! Also please get help. They can give you meds that will help your depression.
 
Chanya...please...please find the strength to hold onto what you've got. You've got a board full of members who love you. Everyone here is in need and willing to support each other. If you want someone to actually "talk" to we could perhaps organize an MSN phone call? Let me know if you'd like to do this?

T.O.Y.
 
I feel better now guys. Thank you so much for your support. I really feared making such a thread, but I felt I had no choice. I was further down than ever before and I really needed to reach out, to kind of save myself from those thoughts I was having.

I am so scared that my thread will affect someone else to have those thoughts though, someone informed me that they may and I think that person is right. But like I said, I had no choice but to make this thread. I will leave it to the mods to decide whether its best to change the name of the thread or not, but I want you all to know that your kind responses really helped. I will try to remember them all the next time these thoughts enter my head. God bless you all.

Love,

Chanya
 
Chanya I don't think it will make anyone think about it because they will read all the comments & realise there is something worth living for. Trust me I was suicidal & even attempted at the end of 2006. I was so sick & depressed. I learn't a lot + had a few friends commit suicide & I saw the pain it brought.
I'm glad you are thinking happy thoughts. Feel free to pm me & ill give you my email :)
Take care xx
 
Chanya said:
I am so scared that my thread will affect someone else to have those thoughts though, someone informed me that they may and I think that person is right.
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I actually think this thread can give hope, especially to people going through their first depression - to understand that time is a healer.

And Chanya, if you (or anyone else!) want to talk then you're more than welcome to send a message - sometimes you need someone that can understand to get a feeling that the words aren't empty.
I'm here for and with anyone that want to talk about anything from serious stuff to random talk.

I don't go to a regular church - MJJC is my church.

Motivational song of the day:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4CbEotFOnP0
 
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MJJ Lover xOX said:
Hugs.
I feel like this now...I frighten myself. I never thought I could feel like this again :( I don't know how to function. Everything feels so bleak and hopeless. I feel helpless...
I'm honestly trying to pull myself together and see all the beautiful things that are left but it's so hard and I feel so broken. I keep reliving that horrible day over and over again. I lie awake at night and it just comes flooding back and the pain overwhelms me and I can't cope with it and I don't know what to do anymore and I feel so, so, so alone and I don't know who to turn to because people just tell me to snap out of it but I can't and I want to, I really want and I don't want to hurt, I just want to celebrate him. I feel like everything good has just been drained out of me and I have no energy and everything is just too hard and I wish I could just kill myself...I think about it all the time. I lie in the bath and I think how easy it would be to just drown myself or...I dunno. It's so messed up and I know that the fact I haven't killed myself shows that I'm stronger than I think I am...but I just..I DONT KNOW!!!!!! i cant believe im even posting this :( but i cant keep it in..i just want michael back but hes not coming back ever and i know hes around me in spirit but
oh god i dont even know
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Nothing in this world is worth your dead. There will open new perspectives for you. It's just a matter of time. Until then, you need to gain in strength. This should be your task for now. You'll be proud to have endured such a tragedy. Nothing will shake you so easily.
Pick new tasks. Be strong!
 
It is darkest before the dawn.
Sometimes it takes time to see the light in the darkness but it will be there so hold out.
Michael needs all help he can get to make a better world in the future.He needs you.
 
Chanya said:
I don't want to scare anyone, but for the first time in my life the thought has become very real to me and I don't know what to do. I have tried reaching out to Victoria for a long time, but I got no response so I have to post it here. I am afraid to be alone with my thoughts. :( I am worried for what will happen. It's like I am facing this big, black wall that I can't get past and the only way to get around it is to end it all. :cry: The thought comes into my head too often now. I am worried. :(
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this is why i am so adamant against some fans telling other fans to keep their thoughts to themself, even if it bothers the other fan..whether it be about Michael's family, or people out to get him, or any thought that you think is taboo, because part of greiving is getting out all your honesty. and i fear..have always feared, that if people made me keep my thoughts inside, they might eat me up. MJ fans seem never allowed to express themselves properly...they are up against a hostile world..and..even their own peers.

whatever you want to say..whatever you are thinking..whatever it is..no matter what it is..no matter how offensive you might think it is..i encourage you to let it out...let it out of your system..and i hope that at least THIS SECTION is a protective environment for you. you are very important, and the most important thing, is that you live.

you are loved. i love you, even though i have never met you.

i recognize that you see MIchael as a lone sweet good soul, in a world that does not specialize in them. and now that lone sweet soul is gone. but you are a representative of that sweet soul..and that's what we need, to give this world hope..so..say whatever you are thinking..please...no matter what it is..
 
Keep going Chanya, Michael would be so proud of you hun. Stay strong! xxx
 
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