butterflies
Proud Member
Ever since I had gotten the worst news ever on June 25th at 6:30 pm last year. My old life that I once had just forever died with Michael. The second I had saw the years 1958-2009 on my tv screen. I was once a very happy person who used to really L.O.V.E. life. But it is not like that for me anymore. I can never ever feel happy ever again. That is the one feeling that I really miss and crave the most. But happiness as well as other feelings like that are feelings now I can no longer feel or process. All happiness type feelings has been forever ripped out of me the second I had gotten the news. Now all I feel now is sadness, misery, and deep depression. Because of that depression I am still very much in. I still tend to have suicidal thoughts even now. I have been suffering from clinical depression ever I had gotten the one news I thought I will never have to hear until maybe 30 years or so later. Never did I thought at the age of 29 (I am 30 now) that I will lose the only person that I had ever truly L.♥.V.E. the most in the entire world. I have been a Michael Jackson fan ever since the early 80s. And the one thing I have been finding myself doing something that I thought I will never do. Is questioning myself of why I had to become a fan of his in the first place. I so wish I could go back 25 years ago. And if someone back then would have show me through a crystal ball. Just how painful the lost of Michael Jackson was going to be. I would have never ever stay a fan of his this long. I knew the lost of him was going to be painful but I didn't think excruciatingly painful. I can usually handle pain quite well but this is one pain I can not handle. So tomorrow I am definitely going to spending most of the whole day in my MJ shrine bedroom. In my bed asleep it is really the only way it is going to keep me from thinking what day it really is. Even though I am going to be a real mess when 6:30 pm comes tomorrow. :sad: :boohoo:
Just remember that we are all here for you when you need to talk. We all understand how you feel because we loved Michael too (and still do). When you say that you wish you hadn't been a fan, just think of all you would have missed out on. I know you are hurting right now, so much, but at least you had all those years of loving Michael and being his adoring fan while he was still here and alive. He knew you loved him, and maybe you helped him because we all did. He knew we loved him, and it gave him strength to get through rough times in his life. You can still see him in your dreams, still love him, still listen to his beautiful music and watch him like you did before. He's still with you! As long as you love him, he will be with you. :better: